Uneasy truce with myself. I fall asleep thinking of historical figures and then jerk awake realising that they're all dead. I'm not quite sure why I think of them as alive at all; I probably think of everything as its own present tense. What of me? What of my present tense?

(Smiling) I don't even know my own body well. When will the grocery bag prove too heavy, when is the oxygen enough, when have I eaten too much and how much of a weight gain to fat. When do I stop, start, go?

And as for the mind, it is its own animal. I am not the same person 2 months on end...

When I grow up, I want to be Lincoln.

I walk down to the taxi queue after work and sometimes I am the only person smiling. These last few weeks have been good for me.
I feel effervescent

And may I squeal and add that I love the proto indo european language. I want to hustle the authors of all those papers and fables and speak it out to me. For while it's exciting to read about glottals and hypothesised consonants, I want to hear it being said aloud
Spoken by they who had horses, counted to twenty and thought about me, mine, you , you both, ours...
(dreamy)

Shame shame!

Do you know I never truly understood enantiomers as a kid? I look at it now and I understand perfectly and also hence understanding that what I did think about it earlier was all bunkum.

And might I add, the subject is fascinating!

I was wondering why the weiging scale was being rude to me. I have the answer! It's my mentos addiction. Grr

In other news the bunnies are being little binky babies. I love them , I love them, I love them.

suffering dance withdrawal

Little white bunny hops up to me every morning and bumps nose against my foot. I don't respond? Again. No response? Tiny nip. I respond. I respond.

I am not so much of an introvert as I thought. I do get some of my energy from people around me. I like the energy bouncing around harmlessly. Neither a pregnant atmosphere nor a cold vaccuum.

There are fewer great and memorable characters in contemporary books.

I admit it, when I first saw my bunnies my first thought was of a slight disappointment. they were so scared and looked so wild. Snowy's antic relieved me little. At least they had personality. But now I have to say I've completely come around. This morning they came up and snuffled my hand. And they made such sweet vulnerable little noises when I was moving them to the room they're going to be in.

I love my rabbits.

I have read this one paragraph in Quo Vadis, 5-15 times now and I just can't get past it. A big blocky chunk of text devoted to description. I can neither imagine it nor figure out the why's or whats of it. I think its time to skip it and move on, something I don't do by principle but in this case its affecting my reading.

Writers shouldn't do this.

In other news I am trying to work hard and I give myself a week more before I can say I will look to my hobbies and continue the dancing.

There is a streak of stubbornness and cowardice in me that in trying to drive out of me, I have driven deep into me where it lies hidden to rise at trying hours. Take the final summit ascent on Kilimanjaro for example. I must root this fault out

I can feel it inside me, waiting to turn its nose up at difficulties, as if ignoring them squarely in a most royal manner will give me grace for losing out. It's a frightened person's snatch at leaving the room before the ceiling comes down. A feeling that strength and character can carry one no longer and the best thing is to call the grapes sour.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel it now. But I know anytime I am staring squarely at the face of defeat this trait will rise in me and I will turn away tamely without fighting. No, let me rephrase that. I will feel this urge but I hope that I will rise to the occasion and go down fighting.

You know its a good evening when

-you're listening to someone swear and scream at people who kill dolphins

-oh they're real!

I don't think I have laughed so much in one evening before (obv not because of the dolphins)

What is GDP? Are my people happy?

It's called a learning curve, stupid!

Just when you think you're done being a fan girl.

I love watching Merlin! It's so campy and silly and its a real estrogen brigade. Ho yay!

Was looking at company management changes. Was looking under the announcement of cessation section for a certain company where a certain director was listed. Cause of cessation? Expiry at 59.

"Are you from McK?" he asked

"No, I'm from the other."

"Ah, that's good. I hate the McK."

Hmmm... I am going to have to learn to deal with the general perception of people in this line of work

Settling in to work. Still wrapping my head around the fact that I will be away a lot from home but that just means weekends will have to be super quality time.
Am I stressed out? No, not right now but I did feel it a little while back when I wondered about my own competence and ability to learn.
Am I happy? Yes, I am.

Survived Kilimanjaro- check

Romped through Safari- check

Sunburn- check

Quite happy- check

Now that we're almost off to Tanzania, I'm starting to feel anxious. How will I cope with primitive toilet facilities on the mountain. How will I make it to the top? have I packed everything I will need?

Must, must do everything humanly possible to make the summit

Need a fire-brandisher of blizzard of ogress of protection-moon of steed of boat-shed, anyone?

One can take poetic renditions too far. The above stands for a warrior.

Ænglisc?

Hwaet? Thu eart geongmengedest? Ic write thaes in Aenglisc. Acnaewest?

-Ipscita

P.S. The grammar is all mine and is probably much more terrible than my grammar in the languages that I still understand and can speak brokenly as compared to old english which i used to browse and try to learn online in university days. But I love the sound and look of old english. Ah the ringing words, the lost diphthongs and the sore mouth afterwards from all the vigorous pronouncing.

In geardagum.

P.S. Though I wrote that from memory I started wondering how my name would look, not simply transliterated, but actually translated. Difficult as it turns out. Ipsha as a verb is gender free and context free but the old english equivalents I can find are not quite appropriate: either have references to journeys or are impersonal verbs and incorrect to use with people. Still looking

Who wrote the anglo-saxon chronicle? I wants to know, I wants to know. Intrigued by the thought it represents an almost vikingesque view on some events. A Dane in the service of Alfred? Converted to christianity, writing away in his cloister? Little things like this leave me dreaming for an hour on my sofa as I built the story up in my head.

Wasted time. Sigh

Truisms

The truth will set you free

In despair I find my strength

Vaccines are good for you

Ignorance is not bliss

Hamsters are stupid and not dogs

Work keeps me from being a hypochondriac

tolkien/Geoff taylor's art for the bedroom, islamic art for the dining room, something pol ledent-y for the living toom?

Oh I don't know. Art is so strange. Likes, dislikes overlaid with chords of snobbery, names, future valuation, a tight budget and fear of changing tastes. But I am trying not to care. If it is beautiful and lends a little of that to my room, if it catches my eyes and takes my mind on journeys, that should be enough

I have no faith in sententious morals which aggrandise suffering and gestures whilst sneering at the general soft prettiness of life, its sunny cheerfulness. I don't deny hardships exist and unbearable misery but no healthy spirit could determinedly turn towards them when the simpler things are there like little fresh flowers that grow almost like weeds.

This is a reactionary post from reading victorian novels. I wonder how the authors/authoresses could fool themselves into thinking they were writing real life down. Did they proselytise morning and night. Or did they snap, gossip, giggle, flirt, burp and nap too

N.B. I make exceptions for Wuthering Heights and very little else.

Hooray.

It's all over. I'm done and am recovered too from the post wedding illness. I have celebrated by washing the sheets, unpacking and getting a new WC installed. Ah domesticity.

Was also reading a big fat biography of the Brontes. Heart goes out to Bronwell. Dislike Charlotte as thoroughly as before. Much prefer Emily or Anne.

Speaking of Juvenilia, I rate our barbera comics right up there . And my little plays with Sunsilk whom I still have and adore. There are somethings one cannot remove from ones life. A little rubber sheepdog with masses of nylon hair is on that list.

Yet so much to do while still tired. Vaccinations, paperwork and home improvement before the honeymoon and the final plunge into work. I refuse to work up trepidation for it just because I ought to. Whatever I may feel later I can't find anything in me but enthusiasm. Here is to work!

The villains are alive but the protagonist (As I like to think of it) is being slowly killed by her own mind. Boo!
So much for books.
I miss Chicago. I loved Chicago. What a beautiful city. I shall and will go back to it one day. I miss my friends. I wish the wedding could have been held so that everyone could attend. I would have loved to meet everyone once more. Ah well (pulling out the metaphorical planner), here's a good excuse to travel.
I miss Singy too. I want to finish up the new house. I keep dreaming of what I can make of the third bedroom. I love the view and the french windows. I love the snug dimensions. I want that room. It is myyy room.
I feel troubled and restless. As if I had new teeth that were due to come out. Teething pains? I can't imagine why? I don't have any reasons to be so and I can't fathom why. Cabin fever? Perhaps. I think it's just the sitting around doing nothing. I have spent my whole life studying. Getting married is a nice interlude but it was not for this. I want to work. I want to compete. I want to win. I don't even mind writhing if i don't win, that only makes me work harder to win. I want hamsters and dogs (who will be supported by my salary). I want to be able to be entirely independent and that means money. And if I have to die sooner or later I really want to get something done. And that does not mean sitting around in this half asleep stage of life. I know, I know. Really driven people would have made a lot out of this two weeks. Just call me not really all that driven but unfortunately driven enough to still be restless. Sigh. Double Sigh.
It remains to be seen if Irony will raise its lovely head once I start working and pining over the 'idyllic days'. What a hypocrite I shall be then.

Heeby Jeebies

Getting bogged down with this wedding. My advice to all introverts out there, have a small wedding with as little ceremony as possible. I'm being dutiful and quiet but the price of duty is frazzled nerves, tension, a vague restlessness and a rising swell of panic. Just 2 weeks more. Just two weeks more.
It doesn't help that I am sitting jobless with no useful work to do. I am just about rusting away. I miss my MBA hecticness. I miss the excitement of my internship. Heck, I even miss the plod and toil of Frost compared to this. That's a longer wait. All the way till October.
An empty mind is a devil's workshop so I'm trying to fill my time as fruitfully as I can. Reading as much as I can. Playing a lot of Sudoku. Rediscovering the lovely and priceless Kingdom of Loathing...
Patience, patience, patience....

I dreamt last night that I could sing. A bit of a let down to wake up and find that I still couldn't

In more interesting news I realised that poor Shakuni had his motives. He and his entire family had been starved by Dhritarashtra when he realised that Gandhari hasd been married to a goat (for astrological reasons) and technically this was her second marriage. The whole family was fed a fist of rice a day which they gave to the youngest (Shakuni) in the hopes that he'd survive and avenge his family. He was the only survivorand he took the ashes and bones of his father and brothers back to their Kingdom of Gandhara. Here he fashioned a set of dice from his father's thigh bones. This is what he used for the famous gambling game. Fascinating. I never knew. It certainly transformed him from a one sided pantomime villain to a more fully fleshed person.
In other news, I vegetate and read. I can't wait to have this wedding done with.

I haven't read Lord of the Rings for two years now. Hmm... That's a bit of a record.

I seem to have transitioned straight from an MBA student full of energy and optimism to a housewife with groceries, furniture and housekeeping on her mind. The transition is difficult. Am a little depressed

Edit: I think it was the jet lag and a keen urge to start work. thats what I've been training for, no? Am much more zen now :)

Was browsing the NYTimes and found out they had a vows section. I couldn't figure out whether it was meant to be satire or (more probably) not. And if the latter, don't they realise how they're setting themselves up for idiotic prodding?

Airplane Ballet

I was parked at the tarmac along with all the other hundreds of passengers to Tokyo, in the plane. And to my left was the runway, just where the planes approach their 300 kmph speed and transition to lift off. I understand now what a busy airport means. Eighteen planes took off in rapid succession. And do I mean rapid. Every 30 seconds.

I've seen planes take off before of course, in life and movies. I know how it works of course whether you want to go Newton/Bernoulli/Pascal on it. Yet to see them all happily defy gravity, effortlessly, strongly and powerfully was something else.

Floop, floop, floop, they tripped up and arced away. One stage left, one forward, one stage right and so on in succession. Like a corps de ballet. Or if I was to be less flamboyant in my similes and metaphors I would admit there was something simple to it all. Because that's what planes do; fly.

If you love an airplane, set it free.

Chicago cries for me

Howling weeping sobbing baby. I smile sadly out of the window at It. I don't want to start but I could so easily join you. I have been happier here than I could have guessed and I've been sad too. I could go on with a barrage of verbs and superlatives but we know what I mean and feel.

Don't cry for me, Chicago. Or cry now and be calm for my flight time. I am not fond of turbulence.

The eyeliner element

Leaving on a jet plane and all that. I am not thinking about it because I suspect that there is a lot of water behind those floodgates which will ebb by themselves once I make this change. Parting is *not* such sweet sorrow. To leave is to die a little but arriving will shuck the life right back into me I know from past experiences.

So, the element of the month is Antimony. A Slate article reminded me of it and after radium and certain isotopes of uranium and maybe some others that don't come to mind, Antimony has one of the more interesting histories. And I am not speaking of discoveries. There have been many interesting heartbreaking and dramatic discoveries which I am not thinking of at the moment. So lets all think of Stebium but keep carefully away from it.

I pack. I sleep. I eat. And sometimes I move the order of that around. I occasionally meet people. It's all blurring together. Am ready to go home.

You'd think with everything lined up the way it is I'd be feeling very set?

No, I can't really understand why I feel this uncertainty for life coming ahead. I feel impatient like I want to flip to the end of the book and see how things turn out. I am going to have to set some goals for the near future soon. I don't feel comfortable walking out nakedly into tomorrow.

I look at my friends and enemies and I wonder if I do what I do for the latter. I won't be sneered at or pitied over. Pride and happiness sustain me. I like living today but I also like living out an ideal for the peeping toms.

Back.

I had a really good trip. City hopper who got a lot of food and rest

These days I'm something like the opposite of a beggar. I see someone and immediately start thinking of what I can give away to them

Me: Would you like my plant?

Me: My blue coat would fit you nicely

Me: I know my gloves would go with that

Me: A beautiful wrought iron dining table with glass top and matching chairs needs a home

Me: I can't part with my dinner set, alas I have to and I think yours is the right home for it

Me: Vacuum cleaner? I have two!

My friends will soon have much to remember me by...

Always so much to learn. Ketchup is a non newtonian fluid and that's why it won't come out of the bottle unless you stress it by shaking. Explains so much.

It rains outside and it rains a lot. I think inside. I do search my motivations at times. No satisfactory answer yet. There will be no way of knowing for sure until after I am somewhat settled with work and then I can think about the extracurriculars.

I do not know why I do things. Does that make me an automaton? Does that mean I am not thinking enough? Or am I just on autodrive? No, I know why.. I haven't had enough to really do. I haven't had enough dance classes for me to feel involved, I have no classes, I have no work, I have no deadlines. Hence no motivation.

There is so much happening and yet right now it is such a lull. I'll try and explain.

The dancing on friday and saturday was so stressful. I am a little sad I couldn't let loose and enjoy myself more. So from that point of view I consider it a failure. It was never meant to be work but that is what it became. If I ever do this again I either have to be less nervous or ready to accept the stress levels. It won't be worth it otherwise. I can't take stress on like this. It's not healthy! Then I wonder why I am doing all of this. Why am I dancing? I had full-time loads for work and study and will continue to. Where is all this dancing going to get me? I spend money and effort on it and pour so much heart into it but I don't know if the returns are commensurate. I'm not always like this, I have enjoyed myself in the past but right now it feels like a relationship is over. We'll have to see in Singapore how I feel about it.

Then now we're done with school. That is a 2 year relationship that's ended right here. I am at a loss. I know there is so much for me going forward but what about right now? I don't have any school stuff to do. Only packing, sorting, disposing, moving etc. That's not what I am used to.

And I lost my phone yesterday. Miserable. I had that little antique phone for these last 2 years ever since I got to Chicago. And now, on graduating, I lose it. Miserable.

And all of us are leaving. I may never see any of these people again. Perhaps then I won't mind it so much but right now I am forlorn. I should have contrived it so that I left for Singapore yesterday or today. Time to think at such moments is a bad thing.

I think the takeaway is that after the adrenalin of the last few months, it's quiet here and I am finding it a little depressing. Sigh.

There is great comfort in dreams at times.

I thought I wouldn't be sad and I thought I had assimilated it all. That I would leave here and not come back. turns out that my mind had accepted the leaving but the never coming back hit me hard today. I am being silly. Everything comes to an end and seems inconsequential from the other side. But while I'm on this side and approaching the paradigm shift how frightened I am.

I will miss you terribly, Chicago. I'll miss my carefree MBA life. I should never have complained once about it. I loved all the moments. Even the stress, since it helped me lose weight. I would never have started dancing, never have learnt anything without coming here. My life has been changed.

Ah well. you knew the 'rhapsody' post was coming. I am a product of my environment.

Some things can never fail to make me laugh. Whirling round and round, dogs being affy, the story of Rajesh and the dog and (the reason for this post) my Sauron bobblehead doll.

I dreamt all night that I had been brought in on a consulting engagement for a friend's family run business. What a dream. I worked all night, really

Watching Korean drama and identifying too strongly with the obvious villain of the piece. But I can't help it. the good guys snivel, make long speeches when it is time to act, get second thoughts at crucial moments, are easily manipulated etc etc etc. The drama on the whole is one big whirl of wide eyed wonder, set changes, evil smiles and eyebrow raising

It's a bright and beauuuuutiful day. I was up late last night once I woke up researching on Kilimanjaro. Now that's going to be quite a trip hmm hmm? Yet I am up on time today, ready to stuff my face. Fat, did you say? I'll lose it. Time to slap some sunscreen on and venture forth.

That's the moral of the day: slap suncreen on and go forward (grin)

It is so hard to take school seriously any more at this stage. There is far too much to do afterwards

I woke up suddenly tonight and remembered that the world is short of one labrador. I don't want to be soppy but I have these moments of intense grief and then they pass like it never happened. Sigh.

Summer is really here. I was strolling by the river in the evening. It was so beautiful. I am going to miss Chicago.

"The idea, for instance, that the ring of power should be given to two undersized amateurs to throw into a volcano at the very center of the enemy’s camp makes sound and sober sense, of a kind, in Tolkien; but you would never expect to find it as a premise at the Middle Earth Military Academy"

Consumed by dance. Last night I was tossing and turning dreaming about it and I had to get up and do a rhumba box step to convince myself that I hadn't forgotten the cuban motion.

Yes, yes, I do still do my other work. But who knows when I'll be able to give this much time to something as light hearted and yet demanding like dancing? I feel in good shape because of it, my muscles are happy and toned. I have a nice neat little sixpack and my feet bend to 120 degrees (my actual foot, between heel and the base of my toes from the usual 180 degree line). Little wonder. I'm going to miss this happy lithe me. Not that I won't be happy but without dancing I doubt I'll still be as disciplined. There's always the gym but I find them boring. There's always dieting but I love food. Sigh

What will I miss about the US?

I'm not sure but one of those things has to be mexican food

I am going to see a real work of art today. Banksy is in Chicago and has left some very interesting work behind.

My heart is thumping like a drum and I don't know how to express myself.

got back from the conference today and I felt introspective. I am eager to know what I will do and become. I don't want to be ashamed of me. You there! Future Ipshita! Looking back at this. I really hope it turned out well. Tell me all about it..

edit: I is so full of myself :P

I love my Sauron doll

Couch Battles

The devil in me doesn't want to work. It wants to surf, snack and laze on this couch.

the more practical me, needs to get the Hall-woodward plan understood and written out.

We're battling it out. I heard myself say aloud sharply, "Ipshita, use your brains and get it done."

Surely I'll be schizophrenic soon

A big goose hissed at me on my way home last night. Ah Chicago. Where else would geese hiss at one?

There is something like the paralysis of being through too much thought. When everything comes to a stop because an idea is running itself over and over where a thought is being worn out slowly through iterations.

I'm like that now. I know my plant needs watering. I know I should go to bed. I know if I stay up I should instead read my case. But, I'm just lying here on my couch, thinking. Thinking, thinking, thinking. There are some second order thoughts: Thinking about how to stop myself from thinking these things, thinking about how I am failing, thinking if I blogged about it perhaps I would stop thinking, thinking that the second order thinking perhaps bolsters the original thinking, thinking that perhaps it will make me more aware of this loop I'm stuck in and that I'll get some spine and kick myself out of it. Spine. I do have that. I have that especially when I know the alternatives are shame, pity or waste.

Getting up to water my plant before I sleep. Goodnight mine Blog.

I never thought this would be a problem with me but I'm suffering from a slight inflexibility of imagination. Isn't that awful? Is this the beginning of the end?

In context, I should have been feeling sorry for someone I know distantly who recently broke up with someone else, but I just felt myself shrugging. I caught myself at it and thought, no, thats no right. Where is the sympathy? But I couldn't force it to happen. I felt detached and was really thinking that it was her own fault that she should have been in this kind of situation and that I would die if I had to be an object of pity like that. Do not ever feel sorry for me, I added.

But what's the point of all of this? Is it an attitude of 'I am determined to be fine' that is the moral? That I will be a cold hard shell of a person soon? I don't know. I look at myself, I think of all the energy pent up inside of me, the sloth which exists comfortably by its side and I think that I am really alive. I love lazing and feeling the luxury of time and being. I love working and getting things done. But I also loved listening to the heartbeats of people around me and I must continue to do that. One cannot be alive oneself without knowing how others feel alive too.

But really. Don't ever feel sorry for me till I give up fighting for everything I want. And then you may feel sorry for me as much as you like for I will deserve it then.

I hate saying goodbyes. However I may recover afterwards, at that moment what could be more painful?

Some people are really liabilities. If I start to become one of those I shall bow out of the circle. Must not become one of those

I wish I could be more like Lisa Simpson. There's a better way to living life than just thinking of oneself. I'd like to be able to fix something.

beautiful SFO.

Now work.

happy Ipshita

I get sentimental before journeys. They are little bookends for tiny chapters in everyday narratives. So I always want things to be neat and tied up before I go forth. All issues resolved and all work done. I do not like cliffhangers

There must be something I like about my new job. I spent an hour cheerfully humming to myself while geeking out over tiny travel accessories.

I didn't think I could get so much cheer from TSA compliant travel bottles.

Oh, Bill Gates was very cool too. Nerdy but earnest. I like.

Oh my god, I'm going to die.

I don't mean today, or even tomorrow though thats not out of the question. I mean eventually.

I still can't imagine it. The great unknown. What does that do or say for all my incentives? Luckily for me and everyone around me, I think very short term on impulse. But I truly genuinely am frightened by the thought of that full hard stop. I'm so used to living. :)

edit: So much melodrama... Product of the late night heeby jeebies

I am going to miss you when you're gone. There is no deeper connection and there is no way this could last but it's interesting that our paths crossed these last two years. I'm not sure I'll ever see you again and certainly not in the way I've been used to. Farewell

What does this apply to?

Chicago

MBA

and maybe YOU! (melodrama)

Why Why Why

You took away the one thing I loved the most and the hole in my life has not healed. I can't find myself loving another dog so and every dog I meet I compare with him. It doesn't make any sense

Rant at the universe. I can't believe he's gone

Shallow: when you're thinking I am so much prettier than her. When you know your dress is cheap but they don't know it and it makes you happy. When you know this is boring but you're in it for the compliments and ego boost. When you're glad to see people only because they all seem glad to see you.

Ugh. It calls for a shower. Scrub the shallow out. You're growing haggard, the white of the dress is already fading and gladness of a meeting cannot be sustained without the deeper regard. But it's not entirely my fault. I didn't choose this. I would have chosen to be with Rajesh and just friends and family. I would have chosen work honestly done. This little bubble life of mine is fleeting and I am left looking quizzically into the camera wondering who I am being photographed with now and if they would please stop spitting into my hair when they talk.

Thank you global economy, thank you trade. I love going to the supermarket and buying just enough for a day to satisfy my little cravings. Imagine relying on the local produce of Chicago (which is good and great, yes, yes) but what about bananas, cherries, avocados, wasabi, edamame?

Munching down on some delicious cheese and bread rolls, with strawberries and cherries for dessert

Oh its a beeeyoootiful day in downtown Chicago. slightly cloudy, slightly sunny with a nip in the air and the wind being only slightly playful.

I am going to miss you

Ambition is allowed

Why haven't I written in you for so long? It's a good question and I'm asking myself the same thing. One reason is that post I started but which died before the finish line. Dead posts don't allow living ones to bloom. The second reason is that I've been thinking thinking thinking.

I was talking to someone of my notions of happiness. They consist of the following. Emotional support and presence of those whom I love: My parents, my sister, and of course Rajesh (and Brutus my love though you're not here). Personal achievements and progression. Money enough not to want in necessities or ability to invest in oneself for growth. I was speaking with a little enthusiasm of what I hoped for the future. He brushed aside every part of my happiness that was linked with material wealth and ambition. To him it wasn't important and he said that the personal things were all that made him happy. I felt I was being judged and said so. he denied it but I continued to feel it.

And because I can't take it lightly. Happiness is a big big thing. It wasn't a serious challenge to my thoughts but who am I to not question myself. Oh and I did. I spent so much time thinking about it. I did more. I read psychiatry papers on how people report happiness and economics of utility and happiness. I must be a nerd even when I soul search. After all when did I become an authority even on myself. I am fairly the same as everybody else I'm sure.

And after all this thinking I'm decided. It is a crime to hide away all ones enthusiasms for the sake of traditional happinesses. I will not deny that family and friends give a lot of satisfaction but I cannot deny the satisfaction that achievement gives. So ambition is once again allowed in the pantheon. And I am not sitting biting my nails second guessing myself feeling like half of myself

A deeply restful trip to Singapore. I feel entirely recharged and somewhat ready to handle another quarter.

More interesting I read a very interesting essay. When we're doing nothing, apparently our minds and something called dark networks (long story, short blog post) are imagining futures for us and reliving pasts. I emphasise something I always feel. Truly passionate science is poetry or literature. I quote- "It is only when the environment demands our attention—a dog barks, a child cries, a telephone rings—that our mental time machines switch themselves off and deposit us with a bump in the here and now. We stay just long enough to take a message and then we slip off again to the land of Elsewhen, our dark networks awash in light."

Decisions, decisions. So much easier to be weak. Yet I got to look out for long run Ipshita.

Milton Friedman comes to mind (wry)

One of my classmates passed away. His resume is up there. His facebook page is there. The internet is littered with his ghosts. I am hugely uncomfortable. I am a strange and incomplete person.

Irritation. I was academically interested to see if anyone had done a study on the earning potential of women and what effect marriage has on the same. I can't believe it. For the one relevant study I found, I found so many articles on whether Career Women are worth marrying.

When will we stop being second class citizens? When will the perspective on life be shared equally between us?

I don't want comfort. I don't want simplicity. I want danger, difficulty and novelty. I'm going to so die young, no?

Too much of support the classics- Stay rooted to the old the same ? I'm always unsure of what to think.

One way I sometimes let my fancy swing: Let it be a bold new world where you try the new to give a chance for the young. You'll be missing out on the classics of tomorrow. Everywhere people are trying exciting new things with art, music, books and thought. It would be narrow minded to only look at what came before with a false sense of snobbery.

Takeaway from thought-fancy swing: Study and appreciate the classics by all means but explore, explore, explore and be daunted not by the chaff.

If only I could listen as well as I preach to myself. Blllb

The problem with facebook is that it makes you so nosey. I'll see a snippet of a conversation and try to figure out what was meant. Had to close my tab and tell self that if it's worth knowing I'll find out soon enough.

Avocado

I want, I crave. I've had avocado in some form or another for every meal in this last week. And at least 3-4 times a week for the past 30 days. Can it be healthy to want something so much? And much more importantly, are they very expensive in Singapore?

I shall have to find out.

If a movie makes you think and think and think and double over with the ambiguity of meaning, is it a good movie?Would I improve it by searching online, trolling for others' interpretations and explanations of the ending? Or is my own confused thought a way out, only I'm not there yet?

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

Boo. I miss the boy

I was sitting at a cafe with a friend when a dog walked by. A big cream labby with a brown nose.

My eyes started pricking and I said I had to go to the washroom. I had a quick sob to myself, dried up and came out, bright and sparkling.

That's life for you. Cry and move on.

What's the trade off?

a) You can be a nice person and help people out in their times of need.

b) Or you can be a bad person and refuse to burden yourself with someone else's negative vibes.

It seems like an easy answer (a) and I always thought so and do continue to think so, but can see why people opt for option b at times. People down on their luck leave you feeling exhausted when they rip you apart for being in a better place. They talk of nothing else and don't accept anything but passive listening. And I do listen, I do care, I do want to help. But I hate it that they drain me of my own energy and enthusiasm. Why should it be a zero sum game? Why must there be a feeding off of one another?

And it makes me think. Am I like this when I'm down? Do I curl up and whine always? I wonder. I'm thinking of the MBA app time when I was so entirely depressed. I'm thinking of the job application time when I was so stressed out that I couldn't eat. I think perhaps I am one of these people too. What is the reconciling factor between these two extremes? Me being one of them and me not being able to support them? I think it must be love and some kind of personal strength. You have to love someone to be able feed them your own energy and not care. You need empathy and tough skin to resist the pressure to be dragged down yourself.

The answer is still (a). I just have to be a better person from the inside to not mind.

So much for good resolutions.

I feel like I'm getting stupid. Need to work hard for the next few days.

"Houston, Endeavour, wheels stopped,"

Love, love, love dancing. What a high! I must and will continue in Singapore. The endorphins rush through me and if it wasn't for the fact that my feet are sore and it's a Saturday, I'd schedule a class today. I want the rush.

Nasshan

I whine so much so it's good when I can step away from it and really realise that many good and kind people have actual difficulties in their lives. Not like my made up trumped up problems.

I'm feeling a little quiet when I think about the injustices certain people face and how they're really are amongst the sweetest nicest people I have ever known.

Bloggy, how do I stop these better feelings from being fleeting before the selfishness of my life comes around again? Is there anything I can do? I'm going to just try, starting with the small things.

Friends

From: Yang, Lily Q
Sent: Tue 2/16/2010 4:06 PM
To: Bhattacharya, Ipshita
Subject: RE: MIO - Final Project


Prof would probably be better cuz he’s your prof right now. although
ur deanship would be a close second. ;)



p.s. you made me laugh out loud in a quiet room… shame on you… :P



From: Bhattacharya, Ipshita
Sent: Tuesday, February 16, 2010 4:03 PM
To: Yang, Lily Q
Subject: RE: MIO - Final Project



What's the right way to address a Dean?

I was just running through a question I wanted to ask him and found
myself calling him professor. Would that be fine?



Dean Snyder?

Dean?

Your Deanship?

There is some truth in stereotypes. I found myself clutching a tub of icecream and crying over a sad book. Mood swings? Perhaps. But I've also been a little depressed. You see, tomorrow would have been his thirteenth birthday.

One day I'm going to go to Telicherry and worship at the pepper vines. Thank you for the bounty that has so long delighted my tastebuds

Standards

I was thinking about managers, bosses and how they are really always being evaluated from below. I think back to someone high up, Manager X whom I thought was perfectly professional, spread evenly and strongly between all points of interest and at least seemed to care for the individuals in the team. But then we did discuss him amongst ourselves and his failings, as few as they might have been, were brought out for display.

I didn't join in, I only listened. As a rule I do not speak up during these types of conversations. I don't have a good filter for what I think and say and I wouldn't want to get into trouble. Besides, its easier to respect ones managers. I just wanted to tell them all about my previous experiences with higher management and how Manager X was a paragon, a God compared to them all. But then all those other people would never have made it into this kind of an organisation. The playing field was completely different. And as a result, everything that I was appreciative of was taken for granted. Agreed, that he was good but that was no reason why they should be blind to his failings. I shrug internally. It will take me a while to get to that stage. I have so many issues about my own deliverables, outcomes and their acceptability. I feel like I'm craving acceptance and thats not a good attitude, no? It's good in the way that it makes me work so much harder. But it's bad in that it gives me confidence issues and derails my personality at work.

The Why of the Mango

"The avocado may be an example of an 'evolutionary anachronism', a fruit adapted for ecological relationship with now-extinct large mammals (such as the giant ground sloth or the Gomphothere). Most large fleshy fruits serve the function of seed dispersal, accomplished by their consumption by large animals. There are some reasons to think that the fruit, with its mildly toxic pit, may have co-evolved with Pleistocene megafauna to be swallowed whole and excreted in their dung, ready to sprout. No extant native animal is large enough to effectively disperse avocado seeds in this fashion. If so, the avocado occupies a similar ecological niche to the mango of Asia."

I am just giddy thinking about the pleistocene megafauna that made the mango happen. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are not forgotten. Your existence was not in vain.

Off to do some research on the coevolution of the mango

"Also, paleognaths were of course long distinct from neognaths."

Of course, of course... (confused but too shy to speak up)

Well, I was reading this, so speaking up might be of no use. Off to wikipedia!

(Playground chant) Iridium loo--ooves Iron.

No but seriously. I didn't know thats why Iridium was so rare in the earth's crust. It just sank with all of the iron to the core.

It has to be a sign of idiocy. the last few days I've been addicted to the lolcats site http://icanhascheezburger.com/

lolcats are siiiiiidesplittingly funny

I want a cat (sniff)

I want a dog more (sniff)

Does it make sense if two people are working long hours to get a dog? No, I didn't think so either. Mope

Sometimes I leave the radio playing while I study and then something will come on and stun me. I burst into spontaneous applause

Only too soon I'm in a small room once again in the dim yellow lighting and my claps echo.

I'm a bit sceptical of Women's Initiatives in companies. Because really, whatever problems a woman faces and needs help with, it's a bit restrictive to think that we are the only ones affected and the only ones who need help. Surely, there's not much that is the sole domain of a woman any more (besides pregnancy perhaps and there's maternal leave to take care of that) But honestly. Things like low confidence, parenting needs, handling stress. we've got it equally dealt out between the sexes. And to say there's discriminiation that women suffer from; well thats an issue that all stakeholders need to resolve and is not really the realm of a Women's Initiative.

As someone's friend put it after attending one of these meetings "I'm doomed. I'm a woman." :p

Yesterday Laura praised me and praised me and praised me for the new routine I'm doing till I didn't know which way to look. I wonder if there was any ulterior motive or if I'm being cynical. But if I'm good, it's all Steve's work really. He's uber-patient, kind and so flamboyantly gay. I had to throw that in there. I adore him and his exuberant gay-titude. It's good to have such a great teacher.

I get the whole Classics thing. Take North and South

From the silent laughter over Mr Thornton's "oh Margaret"-ing when I was fourteen or fifteen to my more curious porings over the depiction of the strike in industrial revolution England and the economics of it now. Different things strike me every time I read it

Half an hour of talk with Becker.

And I don't think I make much of an impression.

Sigh. I am not impressive at first glance. And it is questionable if that changes thereon. Too many uses of the 'impression' word. And (mope)

In other news the vivid dreaming continues. I dreamt I was put on my first case as a full time consultant. This means I dreamt all night of working really really hard and solving problems in my sleep. I was also married for five years in the same dream although I have no idea who the husband was supposed to be. I was painting glassware (this biiiiig crystal bowl) for the upcoming anniversary in my free time (which luckily there was very little of in this dream) and discussing the painting and designs with 3 housewives who were supposed to be friends (but who don't exist in real life). I think I must be really disturbed subconsciously and have real fears about becoming domestic. Ha! No fear of that. I don't have many domestic bones in my body.

Giffen, meet Veblen

Fascinated with upward sloping demand curves. It's good I'm taking the economic analysis class. It keeps my head out of theoretical quirks like these curves and forces me to think and apply in a real way.

Prayer

There's something to be said for unburdening your heart. Even if it involves heavy showers and being helplessly upset. The knots unwring, the places that ache get a little respite and everything is cleaner for the sunlight

I look outside and I can see so much that is beautiful that I can't believe a little while ago I wanted to numb myself to sleep. The clouds grow in momentum behind the peaks of the buildings across the silent river but the moon seems to edge ever away from their rising reach.

Please let me ever ever see what is beautiful and marvelous wherever I find myself, in both happiness and despair.

Edit: Unburdening can also give you terrible dreams. I, for whatever god forsaken reason, dreamt that I was going to get married to Harbhajan Singh. I was desperately trying to wake up all night. I succeeded at around six and feel like I didn't sleep all night.

Convection currents work!

I was doing stretches at home when I realised something. Hands held up high - warm air. Hands by my side, cold air. By golly. The hot air rises to the top!

Of course the effect was heightened by there being a ready stream of both hot air (heater) and cold (window open a crack) but stilllllllllllll

Physics moment (hugging self)

Bad things seem worst just before you sleep and then when you wake up. When you sleep, the dark of night and the alone-ness of it all distorts all rational thought. And when you wake the thought of the long day before you can be wrecking. But when actually up and doing things, it's not as bad. Especially when these "bad" things are really a product of my imagination.

On another note, I am such an awful person. I had the most pleasurable smug grin from reading someone else's resume. Sounth Asia and terchnical, anyone? There is nothing like a good dose of healthy contempt to cheer one up.

Cheerleader

"You're not stupid. Not very, anyway"

I've always been a little indisciplined. I find it hard to concentrate long on a particular thing. It's a kind of ADHD. I've tried to shut my thoughts down but sometimes they buzz in my head so fast and so hard that I'm dazzled and have to look. This isn't good for me. I can't crave excitement all the time. I need to slow down, to settle and enjoy the steady.

Of course there's a point to all of this. And not least is the fact I have three assignments to complete today and all I want to do is read, sleep and watch movies

The art of peace and concentration is in ignoring the distractions. Even when they're niggling at the corner of your eye, saying, "stop working and play!"

Ah, if only

Patience.

I'm so fidgety in dance class. I swing from extremes, from triumph at mastering something for the first time to vales of despair if I don't get something immediately. Must... be... patient... or my teachers will lob footstools at me.

I nearly punched one of my teachers, not because of him, but because I had to fly at something from my frustration. I went for the wall instead. Must not become the Hulk. Must submit to the inevitable slow learning process.

Was reading about the impostor syndrome. I was just imagining that agreeing that you had the impostor syndrome must be the first step to understanding that you tend to downplay your own role in any achievements. A sort of "Aha, I have this syndrome. I must have won those awards all by myself (dawning realisation)"

or something like that...

Success

Fed eight people without running out of food or drink while guests seemed pleased with food.

Kept them around for three hours with only conversation.

Did not feel fatigued or lagged :)

Happy now to be out of jet lag and to feel a little bit more in tune with people

I am so hungry these days yet feel so fastidious. I'll be starving but to see the food in the cafe under its bright lights, glistening I'll turn away to get a nice tub of yoghurt and orange juice. I'll think and look and think of what else I could want, but I don't really want anything there. Hungry and clutching my side I pay and eat my yoghurt and drink the juice. I'm still hungry.

I got home hungry and faint. I took out my big carton of juice and guzzled it. I'm still hungry. I had some cheese and bread. The immediate need has been met. But what will I do for dinner? I feel like there is a hole in my stomach that nothing here is worthy of filling. Stupid Singapore and its good food.

I hate feeling hungry. Hungry Hungry HUNGRY

Oh God. So hungry. I fear I'm going to have to go to a restaurant and get some good food. Or cook? I don't want to cook. but I'm so HUNGRY

A man on tv wiped his eyes as he spoke of his old dog who had passed away. I mirrored his action.

oh Brutus.

I just finished an assignment and I'm feeling buzzed. Why do I procrastinate?

And yet, I'm just going to go and do it all over again...

On another note, I'm writing an awful lot in you... You're my shrink. The school counselor couldn't hold a candle to you. That was just plain silly. It's basically when you want an outside voice to bolster your inside voice. Or maybe when your inside voice is a little ill or badly callibrated. You do that for me. I write my heart out, either directly or indirectly and edited and then when it's on paper it makes it all a little more objective and makes me laugh a little at myself. All my big problems, all my self aggrandized issues and the roommates of my brain-case: ego, doubt and immaturity; they come into proportion and I know a little peace.

Mental equivalent of a calm sunny room in my head and me in a rocking chair.

"You seem so mature for 26."

Really? What do women of 26 do? Traipse around? Play practical jokes on their Deans? Do everything to excess?

Alas, I was born 40. And proper.

Now shoo, I'm going to bed early on Saturday night.

Fool, Buffoon, Imbecile

I am such an idiot.

(thinking of ways to make it okay...)

When things don't go the way I secretly want them to, I feel bitter.

When good things happen, I wonder how my enemies and ill-wishers will feel

When doing the right thing, I let the thought of shame influence me to do it instead of the principles that make that decision right

This is wrong. I am in myself, the most anyone can ever be to me. Why can I not be more graceful in accepting that which has happened?

I shouldn't be like a mouse, presented with a toy sniffing at it, looking around anxiously to see what everyone else thinks of my toy before deciding how I feel. I'm going to be a big happy dog with a bone in my mouth chewing peacefully under the sun.

Five thirty in the morning and I'm so hungry I feel like writing poetry to a gorgeous crusty sour cherry pie.

Overwhelmed with hunger. That's an emotion skipped over by most poets. I sense a niche here...

Edit at 6:49: Hungry!!!!

Everything is blurring together

Mcdonalds breakfast:

salty sausage mcmuffins. So much for vegetarianism. Tomorrow, tomorrow

Unpack:

where did it all come from and where will it go?

Nap:

Only, I couldn't sleep despite the heavy grogginess

E(x):0

+-infinity

Cha-Cha turns

one-two-twist-stick knee out-kick-three-cha-cha

No movie:

will probably fall asleep through it since people are keen to go late

What will tomorrow hold?

More breakfast, more dancing, more school, less jetlag and if I'm very good, added credits toward permission to buy and wolf a whole cherry pie.

Back in Chicago. Thank goodness I landed in the afternoon and got back when my room was flooded with light. That cheered me up a little. Now, jet lag and the gloom of night upon a city is little contagious.

But I'm fine and doing better with every second, amn't I? It shall only get easier, Ipshita. I hope.

I don't deal very well with change, I fear. And uncertainty.

Singapore lacks 2% salicylic acid. My skin is not pleased

Remember children, things are more frightening when you're running away from them.

Of course, they're just as scary when you face them head on, no?

Do...Not...Want...To...Go...Back...

(written with gritted teeth)

Begin limbo again.

I hurt to think of leaving to return to Chicago, loathe to speak to anyone there but unable to rest easy in Singapore. It is absurd that I should be like this every trip. Leave from Chicago with pain but looking forward and then leave from Singapore with pain but looking forward. There are significant differences to what and how I feel, situations in Singapore and Chicago are not symmetrical, but still. Absurd!

Why do we forget king Alfred?

legendary Arthur gets movies and ballads and the very real Alfred get nothing.

I feel outraged

Lady of Shalott

There's a place by Cityhall, opposite raffles city where you stand with your back to a pillar and face four tinted doors. During the day, these tinted doors fan outwards and reflect the world behind you. As I waited there I saw clearly the world go by while I stayed sequestered.

very Tennyson