Stupid calorie counter sites

I had an immense sweet craving yesterday and bought a small box of marzipan chocolates. After devouring the box, I felt guilty and thought I'd see how much it would account to. 170 grams of marzipan chocolates is roughly 726 calories.

My eyes fell to the writing under the nutritional information table.

"Try 170 grams of grapefruit instead?"

Saturday Night

Accompanied R to his boss' thanksgiving dinner. I don't know why, but I was so nervous. I knew I'd have so little in common with everyone there. Plus, I was feeling skippy, which is the worst mood to go to an older people's gathering.
It wasn't a total disaster but at least I had fun. I kept worrying I was embarassing Rajesh though. I didn't stick to his side at least. Someone told me I was very poised and confident for my age. Still, you think, you take me, 24 by age, 12 at heart, put me in a room where the median age might be 40 and people have children my age, one has no choice but to seem poised and confident. R knows me though. He can tell when I am feeling like a deer in the headlights, that smile is switched on and frozen.
But afterwards, I felt so silly, so childish. I need to grow up, I think, be able to talk about real things.

A few weeks ago I was chatting to this girl getting my nails fixed (a part of the nail biting cure, if it looks alright, perhaps I'll think twice before chewing it off, ugh). She was heavily made up with a sullen mouth, eyes lidded with what looked like lamp black, pierced nose. Not very attractive to me. She seemed a bit off. She asked me to guess her age. She looked above 20 at least, but it could be the makeup. I hazarded 18, she was 16. She told me she was rebelling from her parents. School wasn't for her. She wanted to become a beautician. Her boyfriend worked as a welder or something. She was making a hash of my nails.

What can I say? What did she want? I wanted to listen and I wanted to like her. I felt that what she was doing wasn't the wisest course of action, but you never know do you? I don't want to be officious, meddlesome, I'm hardly qualified to advise anyone.

Lunched on a whole mango. Even if it was just a Thai mango, it felt good. Fruit cravings. A fruit vampire must have bitten me in my sleep last night. I can't help smiling broadly at the thought of a fruit vampire.

I met H-man today morning, he's nicer than I think he is, sometimes. I grudge him none of his interviews. I honestly felt glad for him. Especially because none of them were my schools. Ah, my soul is twisted, what can I do? I have almost resigned myself to not hearing from them now. Pity. It would have been good for me.

I was killing time last evening, I walked into a beautician and they obligingly gave me a free consultation. Five years ago, they would have consulted me into a self conscious wreck. Yesterday I just listened solemnly. Hyper pigmentation, yes, yes, PH imbalance, yes, yes, tell me more, Stubborn pores, yes, those pores never listened to a word I said. She prescribed a package of a thousand dollars for me. I played the "but chemicals will kill my skin" card and promised to come back later.

Silly people. Making money off other people's insecurities. Especially since I wasn't convinced it made any long term improvement. In the end, you are reduced to regularly pouring this kind of money out. Of course I don't know what I am talking about. These are but my impressions.

Sudoku time has been bettered. The time is at 5.02 minutes now at the Evil level. Who's your daddy!

A Stance

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601080&sid=aHKiTH1ny.7Q&refer=asia

I am very very proud of them. It isn't easy to do such a thing in Singapore. Their peaceful stance and moral courage is an example to me. Wish that I too could stand quietly on a corner in Singapore protesting the outrage in Myanmar. But my presentation is due in a few hours. How does one juggle work and something like this?

More view

View from my house

Asperger's

As a part of my fanboy existence (I won't say fangirl because that has connotations of shrieking, crushes on characters) I frequent some forums (I won't say which). I came across this poster (someone who posts in the forum) who seemed bent upon having a certain development take place in the future (not a part of the actual material of course, but speculation). Now many fans are like that. they get vehement, noisy, rude, brash and take any arguments against their pet theories personally. Fanatics, I see the origin of the word quite clearly in their behaviour. This poster, he seemed very controlled in his vehemence. Following his posts with curiosity, I found his arguments sane, his sentences structured well, his grammar flawless and spelling correct, his behaviour polite. The only faults were a) I didn't agree with him (a minor fault since its a difference of opinion) b) his rather single-mindedness which was intense., yet coupled with an odd kind of detachment. It was very puzzling, very alien.

I then came across a post where he mentioned he suffered from asperger's syndrome, a form of autism. It explained everything. My casual following of his posting life took on something of an unnatural interest on my part. I do not know anyone with autism personally and like I've said, I'm curious.

I found out his condition a few months back from older posts and I looked at his behaviour chronologically. You know, he was getting better. And oddly enough, I felt proud of him. When other people berated him for his behaviour he apologised and took the criticism well. I kind of felt prouder then. So I dropped him an email telling him that. I immediately regretted it. What business had I, a non member, a non friend, a mere observer to break the fourth wall? Then he replied.


"Thanks, I really appreciate your support. It means a lot. (material related to his pet theory removed here)

If nothing else, I just get bothered by what some fans say. But then, it wouldn't surprise me if I found out that any of them have Asperger's or some other condition either.

Just curious. Do you have Asperger's or know someone who has it? I'm doing my best to make other people aware of it. It makes dealing with it much easier. I'm actually doing a course specifically catered for those who have the condition, and it made me realize that I am not alone, and DEFINITELY not the worse case.

Thanks for the message. Send another one if you wish. I'll be looking forward to it."


I am going to take that as a vindication of my having sent the first message in the first place. I won't be sending another one of course, but I'm glad I sent the first one.

One does not realise how important the anonymous lives that people live on the net and forums are. Many are strong and respected members of larger online communities and come from such different groups. You can see how maturity is not a function of age or background and how responsibility is shouldered by some very different people. In one case a traffic analyst, a 17 year old college kid, a 30 year old school teacher, a 12 year old school kid, a 25 year old artist were the forum moderators for the biggest lemony snicket site. I sometimes am ashamed of looking in from the outside, but other people's lives, societies are fascinating and this is a such a wonderful way to study them. A microcosm of a larger world.

Put This Paper Bag Over Your Mouth And Nose, Breathe In, Breathe Out

Paralysed with fear and stress.

I don't want to turn into something I don't like so I won't whine.
(Praying for patience)
(knotted up)
(worried)
(Unsure)

I want to go from here to
(calm)
(steady)
(accepting)
(brave)
(strong)

It is trying for others to repeatedly see the same weakness. I too get irritated by whiners. So I won't be one. I have enough sense. I know what anyone will tell me to calm me down. I ought to tell it to myself. I am rational and sensible. I know what should be done, what I need to be. And bloggy dearest, dearest, you give me strength. I feel calmer when writing in you, my troubles smaller when put down in print. And the panic is less fluttery in my chest.
I am so worried, my dearest bloggy. But now you know that and I feel better.

Should I be disturbed that I turned to you for help? Who are you? You're not a figment of my imagination and more than just a repository of my thought. You're a clear vessel of perspective, a diagnostic, a lodestone. You help me judge myself. I don't know quite whom I address when I say bloggy, but in some respects you are of more help than any person; and that makes you worthy of a name.

Thanks.

Reshtless

I am restless. I just sat down and wrote an entire blog entry but I read it over. I haven't said anything new. Let me think instead.
Too much writing is awfully like protesting. I protest too much. There are things undone here and my restlessness is just a glamour for me to be away without fixing the problems.
a) Call everyone you ought to have. Spend time with them. Do not treat your old friends as things of the past. You need to stay in touch
b) Make amends to those you've hurt
c) Finish the tasks you've begun.

If I have to be restless, let me be so after I do the a,b,c.

Ira Levin is dead.
A moment of silence please.

Snuggles

At last, at last I'm home. With relief I burrow into my blanket as I type this. Noone to wake in the morning, no applications to submit, no guesthouse but my own sweet smelling bed. My hair is fanned out on my pillow and I stare for a moment at the familiar ceiling away from typing this.

I admit, I am tired of Y. The incessant questioning got to me. I'm afraid my temper is not as cool as it should be nor is my demeanor sweet (snort.. sweet indeed). But it gets to me. Why? Why? Why? Y the why bleater. I'm cruel and mean and will be throughly ashamed of myself in the morning. I went through my submitted applications right now. They dont seem materially affected by the hurry and the tight deadlines. Gah, I hate them all.

I want my ruby mine back.

I was just teaching Siddesh. The outlook is bleak but not hopeless. I hope he makes it through. I did give as much time as I could. I did. I came back from KL and gave time to him, tired as I am. Most honestly I've tried to equip him with the basics to help him pass. Still I am more qualified to give the exam than he is, but maybe I did some good too.

Love is a cruel thing. It captures and enslaves. And I'm lonely. What kind of crap is this lonely love? I want calls, smses. Why am I the one pining? At this rate, if I get accepted into any program, the long distance wont seem like anything new. I mean, we're doing fine with this long distance relationship in Singapore. I am dissatisfied, lonely, lonely, lonely! This is a plea for help. DO something.

:(
This lovely blog post was supposed to be about me in bed, snuggled away, peppered with stream of consciousness sentences. I didn't want it to end in heart-tugs. boo

Realy late or really early

Its one of those times. I'm so short on sleep, a few minutes to document this time wont make a difference. I'm so tired.

I feel suddenly silly, suddenly critical of me. I feel I've been giving way to vanity and not really thinking of anything significant the last few days. One does get carried away. There's a reason why these things are not important. So, the guilty pleasure of an undeserved compliment, the secret bubble of girlishness are disappointments to me when its late at night, when its dark and there's noone to look at and nothing to see but me. And I have nothing worthwhile to tell myself, to feel. I am being too harsh on myself, I did many worthwhile things. I spent time with friends, got to know them a little better, felt less restrained and more socially inclined, these things are worthwhile, company is the wine of life and wine is.. well.. you know what wine is.

It's just that I'm a little amused, a little surprised at how self centered I'm growing. I should do more musing at 4:30. Anything seems profound at this hour.

A KL trip

Age creeps upon me. I slept at 1 yesterday and was up at 5:50, walked around a bit due to the event and now I'm wilting with sleep. I plan on sleeping for a bit and then sitting down in earnest to finish off my application. This kind of silly tiredness comes with age. So its good to know I look like I am nineteen or twenty (cheeky grin).
I had a great time yesterday. There were two pretty bar girls and Subbu was wilting from lack of attention, and whatever little he did say made me squirm on the inside. Poor guy, so naive. I chatted with them to put them at ease and explained the cause (Subbu, liquor, etc). With signal support from Shyam and yandan we got everything going okay. The girls were quite sweet and good fun. Everyone was in good spirits (ahem). And what photos. Such crazy photographs. Not of mine (dignified) .

Event today was okay as well. The getting up early and being kept on my feet was not so great but good in a wearing oneself out kind of way. Endorphins I guess. I wasn't too shy today and did talk to several people without feeling as if I should go and hide as I sometimes have felt in the past. And Amit was being nice too. I'm getting quite glib if I can talk with Amit for long periods of time.

I feel good. Tadadadadada.. so on and so forth. Lots of reasons. I feel less fat, less gauche, less messed up. Man, I must be delusional from tiredness huh :p

I want to cry. Frodo never found peace. Why Why Why?

And don't tell me it's just a book. That doesn't explain my mental anguish any.

A troubled mind

I seem to see a crisis ahead. I am going to be in KL with colleagues of widely varying taste. A wants to drink, B wants to eat, C wants to work, I don't know what D wants, but you can bet it wont be a lot out of line of C's needs. I? I want to have a good time too, but I foresee we'll be busy, plus applications have to be sent out. Maybe I should leave the others to their own devices and I'll just party it up with apps. Boohoo.

I have to pack tonight. 3 formal shirts, 3 skirts, shoes. I was considering something for the evenings too, but I dont get the modes in KL and it would be safer to stay in a shirt than risk something that might not be conservative enough. Thank god, formals are formal the world over and you dont have to survey the streets to know what goes. I need to read up on the event itself. That's an hour's homework at least. Plus I have to teach Siddesh some more, thats two hours. Annnd on top of that, I'm experiencing involuntary LOTR renewal syndrome. I dreamt of Eowyn and Maglor is running in my head.

I am so screwed.

What do I want, Bloggy?

I want "adventure in the great wide somewhere". But sometimes I ask if I'm just a thrill seeker. A silly tourist who's trying to forget the monotony with money and travel. In lieu of inner peace and all that blah. But I think I shall always wend away. A wanderer.

But that's a whole load of hooey. Thats what happens when you over-analyse

And in the meanwhile, you who read this, careful when you meet a lonely traveler half faded from memory.

The Diwali Updates

Dinner went fine, thank you. The food was more than edible and more than enough. The wine flowed freely and since I never eat when I cook, I was most happy and congenial (not too happy, I hasten to assure you). I lit 18 sparklers in one go. Even sparklers couldn't damp the evening. But then I think of the stress I went through. The kofta gravy V1.0 I could have cried over, the nasty yellow looking gloopy liquid. The halwa didn't solidify till half an hour before serving time. The rangoli looked like a holi ground. But serious thanks to S. and M. We got it all wrapped up and I had time to shower before the guests arrived. We lit 89 candles in the living room. Today morning it looked like the house of wax. I shuddered and moved on to work.

Venkat called, he's moving to Germany. I am very very happy for him. I've been bothered about his job, the lack of it and general aimlessness that I thought was the case. I'm glad, very glad to be wrong and I told him that though I'd miss him, I was so incredibly happy at the news and I am.

More serious topics now. I was speaking to someone at work, she's quite successful, around 12 years older than me and she has a daughter of 10 years old. I asked her how did she manage to juggle a career, a life and be a mother. She took her 2 months maternity leave, had a maid to take care of the baby and at 18 months got her in a day care center. Now she makes time to have dinner with her daughter twice a week plus weekends. And that's how it got to be, I guess.
Here I could rant and rave about how its not fair for the child, but I won't. It wont be too fair for the child to have a depressed, unfulfilled mother. And company of other children might even be good. Especially if the mother only wants one kid, leaving the kid lonely. The only unambiguous feeling I have after this conversation is that motherhood is a serious challenge. And that I had figured out.

The well laid plans of Ipshita

A hundred candles
+5 main course items
+3 dessert offerings
+8-14 guests
+A large rangoli
= 1 delighted, sweaty, floury Ipshita

Yeah, that adds up pretty well. I am going to ring in my Diwali. There is kayaking in the morning, food in the afternoon, rangoli in the evening. I feel happy. True, I have nothing traditional to wear, but these are minor quibbles.

I would have liked more guests actually, but there is another party (slightly older age range) on and I wouldn't know how well university ppl and the other lot would mix. Oh well. The house isn't that big. The 8 confirmed people would be bad enough and there threaten to be up to 14. And I'm just one person. How much more can I plan at this stage.

And my camera is coming back. My fuzzy wuzzy silver well loved camera is coming hoooome. I shall never part with you again. The bedside table shelf has been cleared for you where you shall sit squat in your camera cased glory. After you record some of tomorrow's festivities, of course.

Prey

Pteradons fly the air above Singapore. Skim feeders and harmless, they are a protected species. The Singapore government is trying methods to keep them out of the city area as Pteradon guano is messy. They are lucky that the sounds of the city keep them out at sea most of the times. Sitting by my cubicle I watch two circle on a current, their wings outstretched. And I think that I'd like to be prey. It would be religious to be an object of desire of hunger to something as beautiful as that. That is why we marvel at the great cats, the larger sharks. So I'd like to imagine a more carnivorous pteradon.

Imagine the tall buildings crawling with people like mites. The pteradon perches on the ledge, drills a hole and pulls out the squirming crawling grubby executive and takes him home to her brood of naked scaly pteradon hatchlings high up and far away up on Swissotel. The expensive buildings have learned to fight back with shock grills and the visitors at Swisshotel with a view of the nest are charged double. And I imagine, I'm alone working on a Sunday, feeling safe as my office building is empty when a shadow falls and a great eye stares at me through the window.

Music

Sometimes, I like electronica-ish, Daft Punk, 4Hero
Sometimes mainstream Timbaland, Kanye
Sometimes Show-tunes and soundtracks
Sometimes symphonic metal like Nightwish and Within temptation
Sometimes 80s stuff
Sometimes classic rock stuff (though not much, there's no need for me to listen to it much, I have to listen to a lot already)
Sometimes classic like Ravel, Vivaldi and Gounod
Sometimes new age or ethnic like Karl Jenkins, Anuna
Sometimes krunk like arctic monkeys and f. Ferdinand
Anything really.

And I can't listen to any of it more than one week in a specific genre. No wonder I listen to music secretly when no one else can fault me for it.

Don't you love mood swings. My mood is swinging high now. I have no reason to be happy (the opposite actually) but I feel a spring in my blood. I am afraid reality will come purring at my feet soon. You poor dear cat, you're my real pet, but let me sit here awhile with the lemmings of my mind.
Its making me sit here with a puzzled frown on my face as I twiddle my fingers. This happiness feels like inspiration, but inspiration for what? Where does thwarted inspiration go? And I'm thinking, thinking. The glass is foggy outside, its raining and on the inside, I think. And I think that I am fey. A happiness that comes with a touch of ugly, a streak of dirt. And now I think that, I want to wrap this mood away and put it aside.

I sit crossly, trying my best not to feel happy. Odd, that

I'm feeling wrung out, my modesty and my passive-aggressive vanity is washed away with all the reticence and I'm exposed to me as I am. And I'm like hmm... I need to trade up. Where is incarnation when you need it.
The symptoms are many- overwhelming urge to dress better (to hide the soul-blight), raging for admiration (to make up for all the self-doubt), long blank staring (because the secret is out, I was never thinking)

Still, the structure is there. Its not all bad, only it was worse than I expected. All that quasi-pride hid my insecurities, but insecurities are like fungus, they need sun to die and dry out.

What am I going on about. Its what them calls em MBA applications. I can only hope. A year later, I'm going to come back to this page and read it. I am now imagining that. Only I can't. What will a year bring? Stay tuned.