I believe in magic. The magic of a full moon cradled in its aura of light. The clarity of air after a storm. The shy furtive dances of lizards when they think no one is at home. The spicy tang of a samosa crumbling and then melting in your mouth. The lilt of a theme catching your breath when you are surfing aimlessly. The flash of a suddenly pretty face when she looks innocently in your corner. The white silhouette of the library nestling its little gardens and palms. The slow rising chorus of crickets as the sun sets and the moon rises. The peace of nigh-dawn amidst its darkness when the world's worries have not woken.

And we come full circle. 2010, I hope to love you.

I am a messed up little girl who refuses the epithet of woman at 26. I am teetering on the brink of many things and drawing back from mistakes made. I have lost my beloved dog and even the newest of years could not bring him back. But tonight I am content to just be.

And to be prosaic, I love Merlin. Me like tv shows!

Sure you can go crazy over the mythic world of Pandora but please let's not forget everything at home. the mists over Kinabatangan, the orangutans in the trees, the massive crocodiles in the murky depths and the trees and green reaching in joy upwards to sun.

There is so much beauty outside. I appreciate someone bringing it to all of us in a movie as enchantingly lovely as Avatar. But I will go out again and breathe the deep brown growing smell of rain and stare at everything alive

Edit: must stop resting on my laurels from that single trip through the rainforest. Must make more. But the point is, a single trip did this to me...

So many cryptic entries. It's hard to balance a sense of privacy but still be able to remember why i said whatever whenever.

I like being back in Singapore. I'm up early and the dawn is just creeping over the furthest swathes of sky. There's a hoarse voiced koel screaming out desperate endearments. The sound of traffic hums in the background and it's warm.

Had a nice long conversation with a friend. It is good to know we are still friends despite the distance between us and that we hardly ever talk when I'm in Chicago.

It is good to be back. I only wish I had something to do. Restlessness will be the death of me. I feel like I didn't really do much or learn that much this last quarter, being content to rest on laurels. The game is swift and will pass me by if I don't pick up pace again. And how swift the time flies is beginning to worry me. What will I do with all the friends I have made? Just give them up? I can't, I can't.

Today is not a good day. I hate this limbo feeling. Of waiting. of neither doing something in Chicago nor of being in Singapore.

It's a good day for beginnings and a good day for ends. I call it auspicious. I prepare to throw off this baggage which was this last quarter and move onwards. I did not get done what I aimed to do but it was not time entirely wasted. I am starting to feel old. I'm beginning to ask questions such as 'And then? And then?' till I exasperatedly answer 'And then they die' or 'And then I die'. Me dying is not so bad suddenly. I was thinking this over for a casual acquaintance and realised with a shock that I don't even want them to die. It's so final. And then I think about my beautiful Brutus whom I will never see again.

Morbid thoughts. I want the gleam of winter sunshine even if it comes with bitter cold. I want to be away from here. Or I want to really grow up and get my priorities straight.

Miami was beautiful. I enjoyed doing nothing. But one can only do nothing for so long. I secretly am glad to be back in Chicago in the midst of all this life and activity.

Even the things that bring me down seem small in comparison to all the things that buoy me up and make me glad

Today is one of those days when I am actively and acutely aware of the joys of being alive