A few warm days, many snowless days and the drifts had all melted off. I wake up this morning shivering and look outside and it's a winter wonderland.

Well, if it has to be cold, I'd rather have it in white.

Peace.

A strange feeling after a rather mixed up day. I couldn't take my quiz as scheduled, didn't get my negotiations work done, didn't make out my receipts, rushed to dinner where I wasn't at my most charming.

But there was no harm done through any of these omissions. At the end of the day, I feel peaceful. All of it will be done tomorrow and what I am today will be the same tomorrow. I am allowing myself to slowly feel happy, not in the rushed rapid way I sometimes do, but more like a slow creep of colour.

I want to look back at me through my different stages. What did I want? Would I have been happy with what I am? I think so today and thats why I am peaceful.

A cube in time

A rotating four dimensional object (a tesseract or a four d version of a cube) depicted in three dimensions. I'm glad to be alive in this HUGE world.

Limitations

Sometimes I come across sentences I do not understand. Sometimes I could just go around, read and eventually get it. Sometimes I know it's going to be a lot harder. This one falls in the latter category

"By the way, only in dimension three and four do the exotic polyhedra such as the icosahedron and its four-dimensional cousin the 600-cell exist. This is a reflection of the fact that four-dimensional geometry is very special."

Pretty

The cold virus. Beauty hides in the strangest places.

Friends are such a bonus to life. You're built in with a manual for survival, to be prepared for air, water, blue sky. But you meet people, you find all kinds and you find some wonderful ones.

And now I'm older my standards are higher and people dont always meet them. That doesn't mean I dont make friends, it means they are just friends. But sometimes you meet people who meet every standard you throw at them. And there is this special aura around them. They're better than you of course, who has ever lived up to one's own standards. And they make you better because you want to stay worthy.

That is such a bonus. Gratitude to luck, circumstances or a divine one...

Email from a friend that made me laugh. I put down my laugh moments here because it's been such a while since I get those laughs that burst out from me when I'm alone.

Why is my boyfriend sending me this . . . ?  Is he trying to tell me something??????
Sexy foods that put you in the mood - CNN.com*

update: email from another person

he's asking you to eat them and be in the mood. no more thai green curry for you... 

Peace

My mind is always troubled. Sometimes I achieve a moment of solitude but then the river picks up and send me eddying into whirlpools and rapids. I like it but I wonder if I'll burn out. If madness is waiting for me at the end. I don't mean 'I am napoleon' but dementia, senility or just virginia woolfness.

I am now wondering how I got here. Whether I am worth it. What I need to do to prove myself. How I can keep this going when I don't even know what I'm doing right. I feel like Rose the Nose, desperately seeking to find why this is happening and worried what on earth I am going to do when it stops.

Laughing helplessly. Got this typo on gtalk today from someone

"That's okay. I'm sure you cant talk now, you must be very busty"

Audio Vomit conquered. May I never need to listen to any song again in slow. Perhaps I should pick up songs with a slow tempo and fewer glissandos

Unhappiness is a potent feeling. It makes me move. You can't teach me with love, I can only be taught by fire. If I was happy all the time I would never change, never stir. For all that I hate being in the dumps, I recognise my motivation to get away from the dumps as the strongest force in my life so far.

And then I think, what do I know about unhappiness and the dumps? I'm just lucky.

Not Depressed

I feel like such an idiot. I enact greek tragedies and when things work out, I feel foolish. Perhaps I should keep heartbreak to myself. But when I'm sad I don't know that I might be happy in the future, how could I? I'm truly and honestly sad, Bloggy. And if I have to censor a basic emotion like that from you, I might as well keep it all to myself then.

I am happy. But with caveats. Perfect happiness does not work and is a sure step to disappointment. Still. I am happy.

Puddles

Parth's puddle picture reminds me of a picture I took less successfully but with similar things in mind

K2

"...just the bare bones of a name, all rock and ice and storm and abyss. It makes no attempt to sound human. It is atoms and stars. It has the nakedness of the world before the first man - or of the cindered planet after the last."

fosco maraini

Audio Vomit

Am trying to pick up this new song on the flute. I'm stuck on this annoying part where three notes play together really fast and in quick succession. I'm trying to untangle the rhythm and tone behind it, but it plays way too fast. I could simplify it but I chose to slow down the song to hear it. And now my teeth are on edge. Go, play your favourite song at half speed. See what I mean.

It was the best of times

Worst of times. Definitely

NY... In the words of my cabbie "pure joy to live in, puuuure joy.... But a horrible city" I look jealously to compare it with my current fling, Chicago. Chicago has a stately demeanour like a politician but you know he aint clean. New York is too new. And this is no time to make any judgements. I want to stay in my room and slumber. I haven't slept well for a long time.

I wanted to blog that, but the reason I came online was because I remembered a little quote..

"In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money can not buy... to wit- the wag of a dog's tail."

Do you know that slow dawning the dog's posture and stance when he sees you coming, the rising of his ears, his shoulders eager and that sign of sure gladness, the slow side by side wag of his dear tail . And his eyes! The deepest love of a man, the tenderest affection of a parent and the devotion of a friend couldn't touch the well of love a dog holds for you.

I am going to remember that. When I am upset, when I am low I am going to remember that I am lucky. My parents, my sister, Rajesh and my closest friends love me as I love them. And my dog loves me too. 

Sleep depends on peace.

I can't listen to a song I used to like because I learnt she bought a rare fur coat.

I don't have to give up on Psychobabble

She told me there was Beauty in the Breakdown

Snow comes down in real flakes, just like they claimed, unique beautiful crystals you can see

They found a new planet

False Alarm

The mercury fell again. How perfect. Now I can really feel like I'm out of a Russian novel. Cold and depressed. The Idiot, anyone?

Extracts from an email

This was an email I wrote to someone but I felt like parts of it belonged here as well.

You've seen me depressed before  and you know the only thing that's going to really pull me out is a solution to the problem. Till such time I'll be on average, a little low. Only on average.

And right now I'm going to rip into Frank Capra's Wonderful Life. That was a sappy feel good movie which did not do that much for me. I was actually saddened at how he had to shelve his ambition away and horrified at how he ran the bank. Just because there was a little Christmas miracle doesn't mean it changed any of my sadness or horror. I would rather live a year longer in misery but in complete recognition of the truth than a lifetime of telling myself that everything is fine.

True, I'm moping

True, it will work out

but it's still true that every rejection will sting and smart. Ever since I was a kid, I made for a sore loser. That's just translated into moping as an adult. I wont spiral into destruction, I'm more sensible now. I'm going to keep studying and keep applying. Only effort pulls people out. 

It sounded a lot less sappy in the email. But I edited out all references and humanity out of it

Depressed

Above zero today.

My blood is singing and the sidewalks are wet. 

My knees are bare and my teeth are flashing.

My hair is free, my neck is scarfless

And then the wind descends and I shudder and tuck my chin in.

It speaks a little of my state of mind; I was reading Dorothy Osborne's letters and found my face wet when I came to the end of them. Why are all my emotions and troubles so inextricably linked to my tear glands?