I need to get a grip on myself

Everything is alive and I'm glad again. A cup of chocolate and the people thinking and smiling at each other, the warm unseasonal day and me

Is it so hard to listen to me that I must be interrupted without a thought?

I hate it. I am not to have enthusiasms. I am not to have interests. I hate cold, snide, sarcastic people.

From now on I am taking my enthusiasms and interests elsewhere

Got my halloween costume today. I refuse to plan any further. Too much planning does not have positive returns :p

But what am I going to be? Ah, that's a secret. I promised Soo not to tell.

So I'm theatrical with you

I'm still doing fine in school, respected as a person. I have a dear boyfriend. I have a loving caring family.

It's just that I can't be happy all the time. I had a fall out with someone I liked but it was not my fault. My loved ones are far away and all my friends are stressed with recruiting. I am bored, tired.

And I don't want to be. My goal is to be happy. So I'm trying for my happiness in the drawl of the current pace of life I'm in.

Anyway. It's Diwali today and the party. Dressing up will cheer me up

I look back at all the strange posts I've been making to you, Bloggy. There's only one explanation. I have too much time on my hands to think and analyse even the smallest things. I can't help it. I'm nervy, unsettled and emotionally adrift so far from my loved ones. I'm so tightly wound up, yet I don't have much I need to do.

Outcome of this extraneous bit of analysis: get more busy.

Dangers of not doing this: The 'what was I thinking' groan that will inevitably come once the phase passes. Also, the very real fear that I could become depressed and listless. It would be inexcusable. I have nothing to be depressed about.

Risks: Treating the symptom by keeping myself busy. May not be addressing the root cause of the problem, whatever that may be.

Hopes: I can feel myself winning. There's a reason why I keep writing in you about all of this. It's because I am actively fighting every tendency against regaining my balanced moods and self.

Pitfalls: The way up and out is sticky and dirty. I am really my own worst enemy. Noone could willingly do worse for myself than I would if I lost any sense.

Aims:

That I can judge myself by my own scale and won't get blown around by praise or damnation

That I will be at peace with being myself and being by myself

That I will be able to choose the influence people will have on me

What I've done well so far: Kept my balance despite the everything, despite my nerves and loneliness. I've worked hard, not slacked, not given in to self pity. I haven't let myself go.

Set me free why don't you, baby

I stare down the alternate paths my life could have taken and I wonder what they could have been like. Sometimes I really wish for the power of going down these roads and come back to this one. I know I've made some good choices but I understand the impulses of making bad choices.

Curiosity. Simple curiosity will trip me up one day.

I must not be self destructive. Pain isn't always fleeting. The best solution is to live a happy life.

Inertia is my worst enemy. It keeps me from necessary change. It turns little swerves off the road into wide sweeping detours.

"You don't really love me, you just keep me hanging on"

Today I was feeling good about a few decisions I've made but I need to stay strong in the face of internal opposition. I'm even more proud of how well I've managed to convey my decision and peace of mind to those who would prefer to see it disturbed. If anything, at least let pride keep me strong. I have no mood or mind to feed other people's egos.

I was actually kind of mean. But it was either me or them. And I'm tired of playing nice and consenting to being used. I am going to miss the company but the net outcome was coming out negative. It was like being in a love affair that causes a lot of grief for a few moments of happiness.

More innocence lost.

long distance blues

I dislike long distance relationships. There is nothing good about them. It's more about the opportunity cost of staying together versus getting a step ahead in your career while you put your relationship on hold. because that's what it is. A relationship on hold. There is no hope of progress and all the two of you are working to do is to make sure that there isn't any back tracking.

And in the meanwhile it's the long lonely hours of waiting, all the negatives of being single and all the negatives of being attached rolled into one, guilt from smiling too much at someone, wondering if you're fading away and that there's noone to look at you and tell you that you're looking bright happy and pretty. What's the point, I mean. I might as well dress in rags, scowl and let myself go.

I should be happy, things are working out fine. Somehow, instead, I am beginning to understand what is important to me and that is to have someone to relate with and relate to, all the time. To have that someone whom you're thinking of with you.

And due to the unnatural state of things, I will moderate all my inclinations, think big picture and plow on with my good resolutions. I will be unhappy now to be happy later.

Ah, the nice *clean* feeling of anger

I must submit with grace to the inevitable. I want to look back and see that I didn't thrash in protest against what must be and should be

I feel there are dried patches of paint in my past. Did I like them fresh and smelling pungently of thinner? Now they're done, glazed and set. And I can look at it indulgently and almost forget how hard it was to paint it. And what shall I say of the flaws in the painting?

Kindle

Love, Love, Love

I have lost my head. What are boys to this?

True love. My insides are twisted in joy and I can't stop staring at you, my Kindle. I must and shall name you. You are mine. Holding back the kisses, lest they smudge your pearly sheen.

Nearly crying with satisfaction.

I shall move to a monastery and live, just me, my Kindle, and an electrical outlet to charge it.

I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve you.

Pact

I loved my internship. I loved it, loved it, loved it. It was useful sensible work which tickled my fancy amongst people who were smart and keen in a city and place I like. What's not to fall in instant love with?

Yet, I see people who may have come in with similar hopes and happinesses turn jaded and tired and I worry. Here's a pact, bloggy. You and I will weather this. Our enthusiasms are built on strong foundations. And as long as we can keep finding challenges, we will manage. What is more wonderful than to find out one day that you've come through something you thought that you'd give in to? That is true happiness, as true as I've ever felt.

We've been through many many bad things. I've cried secretly on planes from hidden sadness, I'm weathering the loss of a most loved one, I've managed depression and dejection. I am not going to borrow trouble. I am going to remember how much and how badly I wanted the job while I was there. I'm going to remember the praise, the constructive criticisms and manage.

And secretly to you, my Bloggy, I acknowledge my dearest friends who have been my bedrock and pillars of strength. I love them, I love them, I love them. What did I ever do to deserve such perfect people?

What happens when one wants something badly but one knows it's not going to be worth it? Does one give in to the weakness of the moment? Or does one wisely decline?

Chocolates, unwise friendships, naps, purple flowers... they all fall under this category and the outcome is too varied for there to be a single answer to my behaviour.

The revenge of the spiders

It's karma, I tell you. I didn't let that spider in on that rainy day. S/he sent his/her brethren to assault me. There I was in my window alcove when I turn around and this huuuge spider is dangling from the ceiling, hanging in the way of freedom. There was no way to go but through the window. I went into hysterics: crying and screaming for help, for here was this spider dangling inches from me, nearly on me if I moved.

I wasn't ready to jump out of the window, so I emptied my pencil box (all the while still crying hysterically), and opened it on its hinges. Quickly I snapped it shut around the dangling spider. Still crying, I ran to the lift lobby and to the other end of the corridor, where I dropped the box which fell open. Crying still, I ran back to the safety of my house.

Shattered nerves. Had to call Lily and cry. And now I feel silly. The rational has regained control. Why am I so frightened of spiders?

Also, a moot point; if I'm getting murdered, no one will know or care. Because for sure, if I was getting murdered I would scream a lot lot less than I did now. Hmph. Some unfeeling neighbours I have. A real neighbour would have come running to find the damsel in distress.

Greed

I dream of white truffles shaved onto a bed of steaming buttered pasta. I had that at Otto in Singapore. I can't stop thinking about it.

O, my poor mouth. We must not splurge now. You are the mouth of a poor student

Spiders and rain

I sit here by the window and I'm watching the rain come down in sheets. And there's a spider outside my window. He/She is sheltering in a little nook, which can't be much shelter. I'm a monster though. I look at his/her eight legs and they are very long and black and frightening to an arachnophobic like me. But what harm will he/she do me? Why don't I have the courage to open the window and let him/her in?
I don't and I'm almost helpless between my irrational and strong fear and my outrage that I would let anything stay out on a night like this.