It is easy to forget Gandhi and Satyagraha as a past and distorted through propaganda. Looking back and reading the actual events from the world press from around the time of the Bardoli Satyagraha, I am stunned. The very real shrewdness displayed by Gandhi the mobilising of such enormous crowds and the people the civil disobedience reached and the significant crippling of the british government from the movement. No taxes, no income, mass resignations, disobedience from Indians in the army, reporting lines broken. Amazing. No amount of terrorism could have come close to the effect this had.

It is astounding. The commitment, the deep and real motivation of these people. How dare we be blase about our lives, apathetic about unfolding events when so many died to give us what we really really really take for granted.

I am moved to tears from frustration at the littleness of my life and from awe of our independence movement. I am truly proud and I am truly little.

I am sorry Bloggy that I've been unable to talk about anything else. My superficial thoughts have returned to normal but my inner thoughts are still very wrapped around Brutus. How can I make you understand the grief?

My internship ended today. I was touched by how kind everyone was. I think Wouter's right. It is indeed all about what I learnt from these 10 weeks. What follows is important but is a separate issue entirely. I won't know what to do with my free time now.

Or do I? All those chores and tasks have piled up pretty well and high

I am mostly alright. I am normal and am going about my life in the usual sense. I laugh, I live, I love I learn etc etc.
But I am not okay. I am at the tipping edge a lot. The slightest memory of Brutus makes me flush. I can't open emails my dad has sent with his photographs because I know I'm going to spiral down and cry. I dream about him a lot. That he's alive and all of this is a silly mistake. Then I wake up and realise that I am never going to see him again and the only place he lives now is dreams like these. I regret waking up. I am cruel to myself.
But I am okay. When I first smiled and laughed after his death a mere two days after the news, I felt aghast at myself, a traitor to his memory. But this grief is new to me and it's not a long sustained sobfest. I now realise that grief is a longer term feeling atop everything else in normal life and living. I suppose with time it will slowly lessen.
I am okay. That is the best part, I suppose. Who would want to wallow in sorrow every moment? I also remember him vividly with all the best of me. That is also a good thing.

Love is a beautiful brown nosed labrador. He was such a good boy. But I don't want to talk about it.

Life goes on in other news. I'm almost offended that it does. I laugh and live normally though I do get achingly sad when I remember. But I can't remember all the time. I would end.

Work is going on. I feel like perhaps I should have a burst of enthusiasm but more and more it feels like business as usual. I am just working. not to prove a point or anything but because I want to, I suppose. Tia's wedding is coming up and I'm glad to go home. Some of her presents I ordered came today. I am 'appy.

February 10th 1997 - August 8th 2009

Brutus is dead.

Riddle me this

How should I separate what I do into what I'm doing for other people's sakes and what I am doing because I want to? by doing something for other people's sakes I include doing things to communicate inten, to impress people, to fit in etc etc.

And except when I am doing something to make our combined lives easier, I dont really think I ought to care that much should I? But not caring can be taken too far as well. I find myself wondering *why* I am changing my Gtalk status or posting something on facebook. Is it because I feel something in some way or because I wish to tell people something.

And is it a bad thing if I do wish to tell people things?

I don't deal well with
Uncertainity
Disappointment
Instability
Be prepared, Bloggy, to hear a lot from me if things do not go well.
In other news, I was chatting with certain persons. I'm not really sure why I do. It's a waste of time, I don't like them, they don't like me. Where is the connection? I think I should resolve to let go of emotional deadwood. At times like this, it's good that I'm terribly pragmatic. However stupidly I think, it always comes back to my long run happiness. Of course one can argue, do I know what's good for my long run happiness. Sure, maybe I don't always know that but some things are certain and I'm certain that some things do NOT contribute in any which way.

Opened up my bag today and a single hair fell out. An inch in length, turning white to brown from end to end. Oh Brutus, I must have left my bag next to you when I was home. Did you snuffle inside it?

Edit: Symbolism and blah. I kept brutus's hair tenderly aside. I got a call, got wrapped into work and brushed clean my table without thinking. No hair.

Further Edit: Will the symbolism stop? Nopes. I got up and there was my reminder of my Dog neatly resting on the black cover of my notebook.

The last possible Edit: I keep that one hair with me all the time. I wonder if I can get it set in crystal or a glass locket. What a good boy he was...

I so did want to go to KL. Ah well, oh well

Read a book by Stroud today. It was deeply uncanny. Shades of Kitty in Emily. I love his work. I shall read more. I wish I was younger so I could legitimately read em. I'm glad I'm able to get back to reading amidst my schedule. It takes me out of myself. I need more of it. At the same time I also need more educational reading. What happens post the MBA? I dont want to go back to being just a babbling idiot. I still want to keep the babble.

Ah Stroud...