Clueless

Sexism, I can't escape it. Being female I have to speak about it sometime.

Yet what I want to speak out about is not about sexism inflicted on us by men but by other women. It is easy, almost comfortable to start viewing oneself as a woman deserving of privileges and comforts because of the notions of the kind of company one keeps. It becomes right, suddenly, to accept luxury. But as I've believed and always will believe, if I accept this, I am giving up some part of my freedom. I will then owe some part of this to someone else. Whereas what someone else owes me will be an intangible, difficult to argue and to secure in times of need.

I am not going to retire early and live off any possible husband's earning. I am going to split my bills fairly. I am not going to whine about presents. I am not going to expect anything. In return I will have my freedom. At a whim I will leave to see and do all that I need to before I eventually die. As afraid as I am of dying, I am more afraid of not doing everything I ought while I live. How could I do that with the trapping of luxury which are not rightfully mine? I'll be fine so long as I don't suddenly start expecting anything from anyone.

I often imagine a really equal society. An equal society is one where a daughter of mine will not have to hear people dismiss her moods as PMS, her ideas as fanciful, her tastes as girlish. She will have to do a bit to earn it, sure. But rationality and sensibility are not unfairly denied one sex or the other. She can do it.

Sometimes people say women are not ambitious. Hm. Some men want to earn more as a proof of superiority. They want to achieve great things on their respective ladders. My ladder isn't a corporate one. My ladder wasn't decided by my hormones. You could say my ladder was decided when I was one and was forever bringing stray puppies and toads home. I'm ambitious in my own way. I want to think I will eventually change other peoples lives.

What bothers me most is the mathematics and the common perception women are not good at it. I am not bad at mathematics. I am even good at it. But I know I'm not brilliant at it. No flashy insights, no blinding realisations, no look-and-I-already-know-the-answer. I got really good marks in school and in university. But because of not being in the top percentile I feel like a failure to women. I was cribbing to Shivani who said "Ha, I'm really good at maths." Abashed, and not really feeling up to matching up grades and stuff (infantile, that would be) I admitted defeat. But how I'd love to be brilliant in maths. I fall short of Rajesh by a bit. I say it's due to impatience and sloppiness. He'll just smile smugly at you.

Why am I so competitive.? What do I have to prove? I was so smug myself with my stupid sudoku time (of 10:38 minutes at the Evil level of difficulty; , ugh ), I have to hold on to some dignity here. I am not stupid, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Why am I so insecure in my own abilities? Its there in everything except my actual work. I am over-competitive in games, crosswords, scrabble, writing, art. Every tiny thing I do, I hate to be judged inferior. I won't let myself be a slur on anything I represent.

I haven't a clue. It's like I am fighting what I imagine are other people's perceptions of me. I haven't a clue what I'm trying to do.