Schoolgirls, style and substance

R has gone to India and will not be back for 3 weeks. I'm feeling gloompy.

Other reasons to feel gloompy: A's moving out. House won't feel the same. I hope everything is okay with him.

Reasons to feel happy: Someone told me they read something I wrote and found it extremely readable. Am chuffed. Everyone else has just fallen asleep over my stuff...

Am going to Cambodia in July. To see Angkor Wat and do some good at the same time. I wonder, since when have I become so guilty about my own existence and comfort levels...

I had to go search for a suitcase for R today. I found zilch, but its started off my love for suitcases again. I want to buy a beautiful suitcase in an earthy shade with gleaming fittings and sturdy wheels. Sigh.

More important things now. The other day I was walking back from the bus stop and there was this other person. We seemed to be heading to the same place. This person was tall, extremely muscular with short shaggy hair. I couldn't see the face and I assumed it was a boy of about16. The face came into view and I was taken aback, it was a girl. But what an amazon! I was struck with admiration. Not a conventional girl at all. Every inch of her was brawn but she was so tall, lithe and unabashed. Her face was fresh and young and she looked beautiful to me. I was so proud of her. How many girls think beyond the slim and dainty. I know I didn't at that age. This was a new way to do things altogether. I hope when she finishes school and goes on to higher studies and a career eventually she won't be pressurised to take on more conventional looks but the chances are slim. She'll probably go on a diet, slick up her hair and the young animal will be gone.
I have a colleague at work who half ashamedly showed me her old passport photograph with a "Look how stupid I looked then." She looked pale but her lips were full blooded, her hair black and virgin. Now she's too tanned, her hair over processed and sophistication hasn't quite set in over her clumsy manners. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an advocate of the schoolgirl look. Most schoolgirls are too gauche, naive and ignorant to get my vote. I just wish those lucky few who have it from that age would know better and keep some of it instead of going on the too-well-travelled road.

This does not apply to me. I used to be horrible as a school girl and so I don't fit into this scheme. I needed to change my style quite badly from school. Thank God for adulthood. This does not mean I've quite arrived yet. I feel like groaning at myself sometimes at my taste. It's an afterthought kind of groan. The kind of groan when you realise too late to change. It really needs to become second nature. I don't have the time to obsess over clothing. Style should not replace substance.

Speaking of substance. A young relative (YR) of mine is doing well. He is where some years ago I'd have wanted to be too. But now (no sour grapes jokes please, we're serious), I feel rather relieved I'm out of that. I am getting to do the things I really want to. I doubt I'd have done all of this had I gone that way. I was not cut out for that. I don't regret my degree, it gives me a little authority over scientific matters and helps me understand a lot of new things happening in the field. That's good. I am still as avidly curious about scientific things as before. But I'm more interested in doing things for communities, people, ecosystems, in dabbling with books, poetry and art. We have to do what we're best at. I think this is what I'm cut out for. My YR in contrast is now growing more limited in mind and manners. I admit to feeling some amount of glee, but a much of this line of thought is completely free from emotion. If they sat down and gloated about his achievements, I could sincerely congratulate them in their good fortune and not think more. So long as they let me alone. T is not so lucky. She's stuck with them and has to listen to a lot of it.
T has a lot of substance. I'm glad she's enjoying her line so much. With as much drive she is capable of, I think she will do very well. I remember her early passions for ecology and helping people. I think in her current line of work, at some time in her life, or another, she will be in a very good position to do something. She does not think of glory, she does her duty steadfastly and honestly. I'm very proud of her.