It's been a month since I've stopped biting my nails. I bought this bitter liquid to put on my nails. I thought I was on to top of it. I looked and my well-kept nails and thought that's it. This is how I am from now on. Fool. It was but stage 1 of breaking an addiction. Over the last few days I've been consumed by a longing to bite my nails. Its a disgusting habit I know. But I can hardly bear it. There they are, gleaming, hard and manicured on the ends of my fingers. But at every moment of stress I look at them longingly. In terror I paint my nails with the bitter stuff every hour or so. Everything about me is probably bitter as hell. My lips are bitter. The bitter taste even lingers on my tongue.
But I am not an animal. I will conquer. I wonder if people find it as hard to quit smoking.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Schoolgirls, style and substance
R has gone to India and will not be back for 3 weeks. I'm feeling gloompy.
Other reasons to feel gloompy: A's moving out. House won't feel the same. I hope everything is okay with him.
Reasons to feel happy: Someone told me they read something I wrote and found it extremely readable. Am chuffed. Everyone else has just fallen asleep over my stuff...
Am going to Cambodia in July. To see Angkor Wat and do some good at the same time. I wonder, since when have I become so guilty about my own existence and comfort levels...
I had to go search for a suitcase for R today. I found zilch, but its started off my love for suitcases again. I want to buy a beautiful suitcase in an earthy shade with gleaming fittings and sturdy wheels. Sigh.
More important things now. The other day I was walking back from the bus stop and there was this other person. We seemed to be heading to the same place. This person was tall, extremely muscular with short shaggy hair. I couldn't see the face and I assumed it was a boy of about16. The face came into view and I was taken aback, it was a girl. But what an amazon! I was struck with admiration. Not a conventional girl at all. Every inch of her was brawn but she was so tall, lithe and unabashed. Her face was fresh and young and she looked beautiful to me. I was so proud of her. How many girls think beyond the slim and dainty. I know I didn't at that age. This was a new way to do things altogether. I hope when she finishes school and goes on to higher studies and a career eventually she won't be pressurised to take on more conventional looks but the chances are slim. She'll probably go on a diet, slick up her hair and the young animal will be gone.
I have a colleague at work who half ashamedly showed me her old passport photograph with a "Look how stupid I looked then." She looked pale but her lips were full blooded, her hair black and virgin. Now she's too tanned, her hair over processed and sophistication hasn't quite set in over her clumsy manners. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an advocate of the schoolgirl look. Most schoolgirls are too gauche, naive and ignorant to get my vote. I just wish those lucky few who have it from that age would know better and keep some of it instead of going on the too-well-travelled road.
This does not apply to me. I used to be horrible as a school girl and so I don't fit into this scheme. I needed to change my style quite badly from school. Thank God for adulthood. This does not mean I've quite arrived yet. I feel like groaning at myself sometimes at my taste. It's an afterthought kind of groan. The kind of groan when you realise too late to change. It really needs to become second nature. I don't have the time to obsess over clothing. Style should not replace substance.
Speaking of substance. A young relative (YR) of mine is doing well. He is where some years ago I'd have wanted to be too. But now (no sour grapes jokes please, we're serious), I feel rather relieved I'm out of that. I am getting to do the things I really want to. I doubt I'd have done all of this had I gone that way. I was not cut out for that. I don't regret my degree, it gives me a little authority over scientific matters and helps me understand a lot of new things happening in the field. That's good. I am still as avidly curious about scientific things as before. But I'm more interested in doing things for communities, people, ecosystems, in dabbling with books, poetry and art. We have to do what we're best at. I think this is what I'm cut out for. My YR in contrast is now growing more limited in mind and manners. I admit to feeling some amount of glee, but a much of this line of thought is completely free from emotion. If they sat down and gloated about his achievements, I could sincerely congratulate them in their good fortune and not think more. So long as they let me alone. T is not so lucky. She's stuck with them and has to listen to a lot of it.
T has a lot of substance. I'm glad she's enjoying her line so much. With as much drive she is capable of, I think she will do very well. I remember her early passions for ecology and helping people. I think in her current line of work, at some time in her life, or another, she will be in a very good position to do something. She does not think of glory, she does her duty steadfastly and honestly. I'm very proud of her.
Other reasons to feel gloompy: A's moving out. House won't feel the same. I hope everything is okay with him.
Reasons to feel happy: Someone told me they read something I wrote and found it extremely readable. Am chuffed. Everyone else has just fallen asleep over my stuff...
Am going to Cambodia in July. To see Angkor Wat and do some good at the same time. I wonder, since when have I become so guilty about my own existence and comfort levels...
I had to go search for a suitcase for R today. I found zilch, but its started off my love for suitcases again. I want to buy a beautiful suitcase in an earthy shade with gleaming fittings and sturdy wheels. Sigh.
More important things now. The other day I was walking back from the bus stop and there was this other person. We seemed to be heading to the same place. This person was tall, extremely muscular with short shaggy hair. I couldn't see the face and I assumed it was a boy of about16. The face came into view and I was taken aback, it was a girl. But what an amazon! I was struck with admiration. Not a conventional girl at all. Every inch of her was brawn but she was so tall, lithe and unabashed. Her face was fresh and young and she looked beautiful to me. I was so proud of her. How many girls think beyond the slim and dainty. I know I didn't at that age. This was a new way to do things altogether. I hope when she finishes school and goes on to higher studies and a career eventually she won't be pressurised to take on more conventional looks but the chances are slim. She'll probably go on a diet, slick up her hair and the young animal will be gone.
I have a colleague at work who half ashamedly showed me her old passport photograph with a "Look how stupid I looked then." She looked pale but her lips were full blooded, her hair black and virgin. Now she's too tanned, her hair over processed and sophistication hasn't quite set in over her clumsy manners. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an advocate of the schoolgirl look. Most schoolgirls are too gauche, naive and ignorant to get my vote. I just wish those lucky few who have it from that age would know better and keep some of it instead of going on the too-well-travelled road.
This does not apply to me. I used to be horrible as a school girl and so I don't fit into this scheme. I needed to change my style quite badly from school. Thank God for adulthood. This does not mean I've quite arrived yet. I feel like groaning at myself sometimes at my taste. It's an afterthought kind of groan. The kind of groan when you realise too late to change. It really needs to become second nature. I don't have the time to obsess over clothing. Style should not replace substance.
Speaking of substance. A young relative (YR) of mine is doing well. He is where some years ago I'd have wanted to be too. But now (no sour grapes jokes please, we're serious), I feel rather relieved I'm out of that. I am getting to do the things I really want to. I doubt I'd have done all of this had I gone that way. I was not cut out for that. I don't regret my degree, it gives me a little authority over scientific matters and helps me understand a lot of new things happening in the field. That's good. I am still as avidly curious about scientific things as before. But I'm more interested in doing things for communities, people, ecosystems, in dabbling with books, poetry and art. We have to do what we're best at. I think this is what I'm cut out for. My YR in contrast is now growing more limited in mind and manners. I admit to feeling some amount of glee, but a much of this line of thought is completely free from emotion. If they sat down and gloated about his achievements, I could sincerely congratulate them in their good fortune and not think more. So long as they let me alone. T is not so lucky. She's stuck with them and has to listen to a lot of it.
T has a lot of substance. I'm glad she's enjoying her line so much. With as much drive she is capable of, I think she will do very well. I remember her early passions for ecology and helping people. I think in her current line of work, at some time in her life, or another, she will be in a very good position to do something. She does not think of glory, she does her duty steadfastly and honestly. I'm very proud of her.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Kalevala
I'm reading the Kalevala at last. I've been told to look out for Väinämöinen and Kullervo.
(looking out)
(looking out)
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Telempath Found
Behold the power of Google. For a long while I've been dreamily remembering a book I read when I was in school. It was about a post epidemic world where all humans had a heightened sense of smell. I remembered the other plot details, but no names. So I searched for " sense of smell science fiction". And on page 2, results 11-20; result 19 read:
Spider Robinson: Books
Variable Star will delight the fans of the greatest science fiction ..... and he possesses--like everyone else--a sense of smell 1000 times better than a ...
The book is Telempath. I had read the short story version of it "By Any Other Name"
Spider Robinson: Books
Variable Star will delight the fans of the greatest science fiction ..... and he possesses--like everyone else--a sense of smell 1000 times better than a ...
The book is Telempath. I had read the short story version of it "By Any Other Name"
Diamonds are for-evah, but not for me
Was reading about commitment and how outdated the engagement ring is and I completely agree. When I get down to committing something, I want something unusual and grand. Perhaps I could sponsor an orang-utan? Feed a hundred orphans for a year? All this was very interesting so I sat down and made a list of gifts that would really mean something to me. Most were from Udavum Karangal and WWF to be honest. So, throw back your diamonds, take back your silly circlets of gold. I want my happiness to be shared.
Some small part of me sighs. I love pretty things. I've never had a diamond. But where does it end? How big does this gem have to be? How much will it cost someone? Is it merely absolute or does it have to be bigger than other people's? And will I wear it when the smug cattiness of the gift has worn off?
Nopes. Not for me. Now if only this will get done. I mean to be so good, only I am so ennui-ed out.
Some small part of me sighs. I love pretty things. I've never had a diamond. But where does it end? How big does this gem have to be? How much will it cost someone? Is it merely absolute or does it have to be bigger than other people's? And will I wear it when the smug cattiness of the gift has worn off?
Nopes. Not for me. Now if only this will get done. I mean to be so good, only I am so ennui-ed out.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Clownetta
I've got a career all worked out. I'm going to be a diplomatic rodeo clown. That doesn't mean I'll be a politically correct clown distracing irate bulls. What I mean is that I'd make a good tense situation defuser. Yesterday two people were disagreeing and it threatened to spill over. The air was thick with stubbornness and silly words.I played the fool, joked around and got smiles out from them. Situation was resolved, though uneasily. I think I may have to do the routine a few more times before everyone settles down.
Look at me go, bee-bap-a-bo
Look at me go, bee-bap-a-bo
How does one do the most good with one's little resources?
Watched the movie "born into brothels" day before yesterday. I watched it and was deeply disturbed. I went home vowing to myself that I'd do something. But when I was reading through my background research, I realised that there are far worse places. There are clinics and schools available to the children there. The Shonagachi red light area has only a 5% incident of HIV as compared to an 80% in the Mumbai red light areas. So if the depiction of children of Shonagachi moved me, what kind of conditions do these others live in? Also, there has been a large charitable outpouring following this movie. My paltry money is of no use here.
What I want to do is to find out how I can help the women of other areas. It's a charitable snobbery, maybe. But I'd like to give my money where it's wanted most. Yes, my help would be cool too, but I don't have training, background or the time.
What I want to do is to find out how I can help the women of other areas. It's a charitable snobbery, maybe. But I'd like to give my money where it's wanted most. Yes, my help would be cool too, but I don't have training, background or the time.
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