I don't need improving.

Yesterday I spent a godawful amount of time trying to make my nails presentable. I filed, buffed, polished, cleaned, base-coated painted, top coated, cuticle oiled. It was not worth the trouble, but today is the awards and I really thought I'd take the trouble to look presentable.
A colleague at work saw them and said "ah nice nails. Not bad Ipshita, you're finally improving"

Improving?
Because my nails were polished? I keep them clean at all times and trimmed, but I never bother polishing them for a reason. Its irritating and hard to get a perfect sheen. Any one of the coats could go wrong and then you have clean and start all over.

And how on earth does glitzy nail colour improve me, pray?

Spot the tortuous idioms

After years and years of protesting unconvincingly that my mind was innocent and that I thought good of everyone I'm coming clean now. As all of you suspected, my mind is always in the gutter. I unfailingly think of the worst thing imaginable and the worst of everyone.

Now to redeem myself

You see, though my mind is in the gutter, I do give that people are capable of that entire spectrum of betterness. And I am honestly happy when what I fear does not come to pass. I am an optimistic pessimist. I like it very much when I'm proved wrong.

That's all fine, bloggy, but I mean to come to this. I was mournfully predicting break ups and all that. The confused woman has come through the haze as she ever was and happiness is back. But the horn of caution has been blown and S is not taking anything for granted. He is jealously hoarding his precious precious relationship and shall fly down on Saturday.

I am very happy. Or as happy as one can be in another person's happiness. I'm happy that S is not looking like death and I don't have to muffle my laughter at Jay Leno lest my joy runs heavily over someones sorrow. Selfish b to the end, eh Ippi?

Walking papers

It is the age old story of the confused woman.

Segue to introspection here, we'll return to the crux of the problem later. Why is it that women get confused like this? I am generalising, but when men are rat finks, they're quick and decisively rat-finky. Women get confused (author not excluded).

Confusion between:
here and there, the rush and the steady, the now and the later, the ant and the grasshopper. And often, often the instinct is towards the wrong thing.

Reasons (blame allocation):
a)new feelings i.e. something the girl has not experienced before. Blame youth and inexperience.
b)Inability to reason i.e. too much importance on all that crap about what the heart feels, what you "know" inside, one true love and all kinds of romantic nonsense. Blame Hindi movies.
c)A genuine dilemma. the bird in hand is unsatisfactory. Risk analysis between this bird and those two in the bush is inconclusive leading to confusion. Yep, we women can be cold calculating 'n' manipulative.

Segue back to the case in point.
V in considering giving S his walking papers. S is really broken up about it. I was shocked to see him like that. S is being really decent about it. He's spoken sensibly to her. Very sensibly. Too sensibly? At 12:30 I had to speak to him. I implored him not to be sensible. Attack the heart, I told him. He told me he tells her he loves her every 2 minutes. I would have felt better if he hadn't told me about the 2 minutes. It added to the calculated feeling. He needs to go romantic hero on her.

verdict: He has to go down to meet her. No way will the outcome favour him. And when he meets her, he'll have to do a Rhett Butler.

Sneaking in my judgemental side: V, very stupid reasons indeed. S, how on earth are you not angry?

I wonder what I'd have done. I think I might have drawn up in pride and told the person to go their own way. With reasons like this, the crawling back is inevitable. And then you wonder, do you want the person back. S is really nice, I respect him immeasurably for not reacting like I might have. I really stink, you know.

I stink more than you think: I was thinking of Wodehousian schemes to get them back together. Seriously.

I am selfish in the face of others' troubles. After listening to S., I thought about myself and R.. At some time we'll be long distance. Insert obvious worry here.

What worried me most:
S. saying that if this goes belly up he's going to become someone he wont like. He's losing faith in relationships. He says this has happened to him twice before (I don't know about them due to my policy of never asking). He says he looks like a fool for trusting.
That's terrible. No one should lose faith in happiness two people can have. There are breakups and tough times, but one needs to remember the good with the bad. That's why we put ourselves through it, because we have faith that something good could be waiting for us. That something good can happen. And it can. It always can.
The pessimists will tell me, it may not ever happen. And I would tell them then, if I don't try, I wont know. Even if its hopeless, I want to be able to be like a deep space array, waiting in the desert, all my senses open to all the probabilities, waiting. Its easy for me to say perhaps. I don't know, I'm in a good place etc etc. Maybe if and when I'm in a bad place I can drag some of this hope to then.

Okay, enough tralala hope light sweetness and joy. Ugh.

Point is, I don't like seeing him think this way.

Happiness

You tell me what happiness is.
Is it the quiet acquiescence of two people?We were out with a bunch of friends. I was moved when we were discussing politics. Things are so complicated. People forget why we're working towards these political goals. You've got to sit down and realise who your target audience is. I had to speak up.

Do you know when I was happy? When Rajesh looked at me in the middle of his political "harangue" when I had interrupted to remind him of whom he was "haranguing" for. Those who are doing without, though the without is defined loosely. He stopped and acknowledged my pain. I loved him forever.

My pain was real, his logic was real. We acknowledged each others' realness, our individual thoughts without compromising our feelings. We both existed independent and infinite in that moment. That is who we are. And because we did, we're made. For each other that is.

Who's a kid now

Last week or so, I've been struggling in different ways with issues of maturity and authority (and not necessarily mine). I have a colleague my age but she's a weather vane. The slightest thing puts her into a panic and I've reassured her often enough to feel like a mother. She comes to me with all the office gossip and then asks me unanswerable questions like "why did he say that?" How should I know. I rebuked her for it. I rebuked her also in her incessant quest to find out how much I'm paid. She's honestly old enough to be a little less inquisitive. She's also old enough to be able to hold an opinion in her head longer than a conversation with anyone else. She's too easily influenced, too easily swayed, does not think enough for herself. Sigh. On the plus side, she's hard working and sincere. I'm only mentioning that to assuage my guilt in bitching.
There's another girl, five years older than me. She's recently discovered the joys of being female, doing her hair, buying pretty clothes, watching her figure. Only its a little cloying watching her artless joy at all this. She measures the shrinking of her waist with audible glee, exercises in the empty meeting rooms, crows about the latest grooming she's discovered. I don't think I was like this even when I was in the difficult ages between 12-16. If and when I decided to add to my upkeep, it was a quiet affair, not blared out for all to hear. Sure when one's having a girly talk at midnight in kaftans and pajamas, we might laugh and discuss it or ask questions discreetly. I draw the line at office, if not well before. Sure you may think its so sweet and sincere and honest of her but face it, office is not a place to display your lack of worldly knowledge.

And then there is me. I got flouted by my colleague who disbelieved me. Rajesh and I quarrelled later about how I handled it. I told him to go check it with an independent authority. Rajesh said I should have just put my foot down. I don't know who was right. The next morning I sent out an email stating the plan of action. When aforesaid minion-colleague debated it, I told him there was no room for discussion at the moment and that Satish agreed with me. The flouting has stopped there at the moment. Have I lost authority from this? I've decided to keep my chatting with minion-colleague to a minimal level. Being too friendly will only encourage him and to keep a distinction will make remember there is a distinction. I am all for discussion but blatant insubordination is just wrong.

Ah the pitfalls of age. Sometimes I feel sad for the passing years. At other times I welcome the wealth of experiences they bring.

Not a talk show

A friend of a friend is not well. And someone I know works with him. She doesn't know he's not well. She just mentioned that his excessive lifestyle is catching up with him. In her words-his hand shakes when he's holding something, he doesn't remember anything he's told. She didn't realise the significance of what she said and I felt a lump come into my throat. I don't know him well but I don't need to, to feel something akin to sorrow.

Scribblita

Up late last night, doing some necessary writing. It felt good to scribble after so long. Problem is that necessary writing should be different from scribbling, more focused, more purposeful. Ah, who cares. The first page dragged a bit but then I got kicked into a good flow.
I enjoy writing. It comes so easily. It may be no good but it could be worse.
After the scribbles, I spoke to Rajesh on the phone for nearly an hour. It was 2:30 finally by the time I slept. And considering how much I like to sleep that's late for me.