Desertion

Once more I turn to you, bloggy, to help me heal. It's enough to say that I am a little unhappy and lost and I need some strength. Sure, I'm strong. Sure, I'll get through but I'm also a bit hurt, my bloggy. Love me, love me, please. I feel a bit battered and I *feel* clingy, I feel desperate for love, warmth and friendship. I'm not entirely sure what the matter is, but I think I'm a little depressed. That's half the battle won, I guess.
I can't bear kindnesses. I'll cry if you're kind to me. Don't explain or simplify things, I'm feeling sad, not stupid. I know very well what the real truth is. How do you treat someone like me? What do you do to make the bleakness better?

Perspective? That all will not be lost. That there will be much to rejoice even if the worst should happen. But the lines have been drawn clearly bloggy. On this side lies success, on the other failure. This side elation, the other misery. This side, I show my face, the other I hide in shame. Shame, shame. For shame, to dare to look so high. For shame, to join them when my head is so murky with thoughts.

This is not helping. But then, nothing has. I dread calls from home. I have nothing from some from whom I thought I would have. Nothing. Chastisement when I dwell in my worry, that's fair enough. But help me, please. I am in this gloom and there are such hard ways out that my vision blurs with fear and weakness at the thought of them. I am so weak and contemptible in this real trial of life. Self loathing wars with fear.

help me, bloggy, help me... please, please, please. It's darker, colder at night when there is no one to keep up appearances for.