NY... In the words of my cabbie "pure joy to live in, puuuure joy.... But a horrible city" I look jealously to compare it with my current fling, Chicago. Chicago has a stately demeanour like a politician but you know he aint clean. New York is too new. And this is no time to make any judgements. I want to stay in my room and slumber. I haven't slept well for a long time.

I wanted to blog that, but the reason I came online was because I remembered a little quote..

"In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money can not buy... to wit- the wag of a dog's tail."

Do you know that slow dawning the dog's posture and stance when he sees you coming, the rising of his ears, his shoulders eager and that sign of sure gladness, the slow side by side wag of his dear tail . And his eyes! The deepest love of a man, the tenderest affection of a parent and the devotion of a friend couldn't touch the well of love a dog holds for you.

I am going to remember that. When I am upset, when I am low I am going to remember that I am lucky. My parents, my sister, Rajesh and my closest friends love me as I love them. And my dog loves me too. 

Sleep depends on peace.

I can't listen to a song I used to like because I learnt she bought a rare fur coat.

I don't have to give up on Psychobabble

She told me there was Beauty in the Breakdown

Snow comes down in real flakes, just like they claimed, unique beautiful crystals you can see

They found a new planet

False Alarm

The mercury fell again. How perfect. Now I can really feel like I'm out of a Russian novel. Cold and depressed. The Idiot, anyone?

Extracts from an email

This was an email I wrote to someone but I felt like parts of it belonged here as well.

You've seen me depressed before  and you know the only thing that's going to really pull me out is a solution to the problem. Till such time I'll be on average, a little low. Only on average.

And right now I'm going to rip into Frank Capra's Wonderful Life. That was a sappy feel good movie which did not do that much for me. I was actually saddened at how he had to shelve his ambition away and horrified at how he ran the bank. Just because there was a little Christmas miracle doesn't mean it changed any of my sadness or horror. I would rather live a year longer in misery but in complete recognition of the truth than a lifetime of telling myself that everything is fine.

True, I'm moping

True, it will work out

but it's still true that every rejection will sting and smart. Ever since I was a kid, I made for a sore loser. That's just translated into moping as an adult. I wont spiral into destruction, I'm more sensible now. I'm going to keep studying and keep applying. Only effort pulls people out. 

It sounded a lot less sappy in the email. But I edited out all references and humanity out of it

Depressed

Above zero today.

My blood is singing and the sidewalks are wet. 

My knees are bare and my teeth are flashing.

My hair is free, my neck is scarfless

And then the wind descends and I shudder and tuck my chin in.

It speaks a little of my state of mind; I was reading Dorothy Osborne's letters and found my face wet when I came to the end of them. Why are all my emotions and troubles so inextricably linked to my tear glands?