I am mostly alright. I am normal and am going about my life in the usual sense. I laugh, I live, I love I learn etc etc.
But I am not okay. I am at the tipping edge a lot. The slightest memory of Brutus makes me flush. I can't open emails my dad has sent with his photographs because I know I'm going to spiral down and cry. I dream about him a lot. That he's alive and all of this is a silly mistake. Then I wake up and realise that I am never going to see him again and the only place he lives now is dreams like these. I regret waking up. I am cruel to myself.
But I am okay. When I first smiled and laughed after his death a mere two days after the news, I felt aghast at myself, a traitor to his memory. But this grief is new to me and it's not a long sustained sobfest. I now realise that grief is a longer term feeling atop everything else in normal life and living. I suppose with time it will slowly lessen.
I am okay. That is the best part, I suppose. Who would want to wallow in sorrow every moment? I also remember him vividly with all the best of me. That is also a good thing.

Love is a beautiful brown nosed labrador. He was such a good boy. But I don't want to talk about it.

Life goes on in other news. I'm almost offended that it does. I laugh and live normally though I do get achingly sad when I remember. But I can't remember all the time. I would end.

Work is going on. I feel like perhaps I should have a burst of enthusiasm but more and more it feels like business as usual. I am just working. not to prove a point or anything but because I want to, I suppose. Tia's wedding is coming up and I'm glad to go home. Some of her presents I ordered came today. I am 'appy.

February 10th 1997 - August 8th 2009

Brutus is dead.

Riddle me this

How should I separate what I do into what I'm doing for other people's sakes and what I am doing because I want to? by doing something for other people's sakes I include doing things to communicate inten, to impress people, to fit in etc etc.

And except when I am doing something to make our combined lives easier, I dont really think I ought to care that much should I? But not caring can be taken too far as well. I find myself wondering *why* I am changing my Gtalk status or posting something on facebook. Is it because I feel something in some way or because I wish to tell people something.

And is it a bad thing if I do wish to tell people things?

I don't deal well with
Uncertainity
Disappointment
Instability
Be prepared, Bloggy, to hear a lot from me if things do not go well.
In other news, I was chatting with certain persons. I'm not really sure why I do. It's a waste of time, I don't like them, they don't like me. Where is the connection? I think I should resolve to let go of emotional deadwood. At times like this, it's good that I'm terribly pragmatic. However stupidly I think, it always comes back to my long run happiness. Of course one can argue, do I know what's good for my long run happiness. Sure, maybe I don't always know that but some things are certain and I'm certain that some things do NOT contribute in any which way.

Opened up my bag today and a single hair fell out. An inch in length, turning white to brown from end to end. Oh Brutus, I must have left my bag next to you when I was home. Did you snuffle inside it?

Edit: Symbolism and blah. I kept brutus's hair tenderly aside. I got a call, got wrapped into work and brushed clean my table without thinking. No hair.

Further Edit: Will the symbolism stop? Nopes. I got up and there was my reminder of my Dog neatly resting on the black cover of my notebook.

The last possible Edit: I keep that one hair with me all the time. I wonder if I can get it set in crystal or a glass locket. What a good boy he was...

I so did want to go to KL. Ah well, oh well

Read a book by Stroud today. It was deeply uncanny. Shades of Kitty in Emily. I love his work. I shall read more. I wish I was younger so I could legitimately read em. I'm glad I'm able to get back to reading amidst my schedule. It takes me out of myself. I need more of it. At the same time I also need more educational reading. What happens post the MBA? I dont want to go back to being just a babbling idiot. I still want to keep the babble.

Ah Stroud...